’s Creepy Dude Survey

Dude, do you have a moment to take a quick survey?

So just put up the first segment of its annual 3-part Great Male Survey.  Filled with strange assumptions and sometimes creepy questions, it’s a survey that reveals at least as much about the survey makers as it does the survey takers, and what it reveals ain’t good:  it seems to have been written by a jaded ex-romantic ( or a committee of such) only a few short steps away from full-blown MGTOW-hood.

The survey starts off with a fairly innocuous question about basic compatibility, but quickly veers off course with question #2:

How important is it to you that your wife/future wife signs a prenup?

Hold on a second, daddy-o! We haven’t even determined if the little missy has “wife potential” yet —  as question #3 puts it.

After one more question about marriage, the quiz moves on to cheating and then (perhaps inevitably) to the issue of divorce:

Do men get screwed by the courts in divorce?

Then it’s onward to kvetching about what a naggy shrew your partner is (assuming you haven’t already finalized the divorce):

Followed by the classic “Would you dump a girlfriend if she became fat?” (Just in case you’re wondering, ladies, nearly half the American guys in last year’s survey said “yes.”)

Next we get to what we might call the “creepy controlling asshole” portion of the survey. After asking whether we’ve ever snooped through our partner’s email or Facebook messages, they pose this doozy:

That quiet clattering you hear is the sound of a thousand creepy dudes Googling to see if this is possible – and, if so, the best place to put the chip.

After several more questions about Facebook and the internet, a few badly conceptualized questions about romance, and a bunch about sex, the quiz moves on to some good old-fashioned slut shaming, asking men to quantify the number of sex partners a woman is allowed to have before they consider her “promiscuous.”  Ladies: you’ll be glad to know that 41% of American dudes who took the survey last year consider any women with more than 9 lifetime partners to be dirty sluts – sorry, “promiscuous.”

Then of course it’s on to an attempt to quantify exactly when women start getting all old and ugly:

Yes, one of the possible answers is “18.” You may be slightly reassured by the fact that zero percent of last year’s survey takers gave that answer. Six percent said “20,” though, and 24% said “30.”

Then we have this curiously worded question on workplace sex:

So the idea that your partner might be a big higher up on the old org chart isn’t even a possibility? What is this, 1962? Did they borrow this question from Helen Gurley Brown’s Sex and the Single Girl? Or find it scribbled on a napkin on Don Draper’s desk just before he impulsively proposed to his new secretary?

I think we need to design our own survey.

(Note: Cartoon above borrowed, of course, from Comically Vintage.)

About David Futrelle

I run the blog We Hunted the Mammoth, which tracks (and mocks) online misogyny. My writing has appeared in a wide variety of places, including Salon,, the Washington Post, the New York Times Book Review and Money magazine. I like cats.

Posted on June 2, 2011, in creepy, men who should not ever be with women ever, MGTOW, misogyny, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 185 Comments.

  1. *Sigh* I should keep to singing, and leave comedy to the pros…

  2. You’re lucky you have your looks. esp after that comment that’s still in moderation xD

  3. What is the correct way to post for the first time on a blog?

    A) Say something that was specifically refuted in the post

    B) Call them all bitches

    C) Post a five-paragraph monologue about your personal life

    D) Assert a bizarre, invented social structure as incontrovertible fact

    E) Confuse the Latin and Greek alphabets

    F) Something about wyyymyyynz

    E) All of the above!

  4. If ever a pun could tear the very soul from person’s chest, if they could rot the air and poison the sea, the world and every one to come would be barren for at least 10,000 years. Oh God, what hath I wraught!

  5. Actually Katz, C is lookin pretty decent. Have you pulled a false “All of the above” manuever?

  6. Captain Bathrobe

    Wow…ya’ll are 10 different kinds of awesome! Were I wearing a hat, I would doff it.

  7. Brovery!!!

    Also, I got all five ponycorns. Took me a while to find the key, I have to confess.

  8. @PosterformerlyknownasElizabeth you should go to Glendale, AZ and offer to buy the Phoenix Coyotes if only they’d give you 190 million dollars to buy it :3 (hay it’s 5 mil less than what Matthew Hulsizer is asking for and you’d make 20 million from buying the team for 170 mil xD )😀

  9. I love this place so much!

  10. Laughing gull

    I’m gonna have to save this for anytime I need a laugh till my fellwopians bust. Grand performance!

  11. Laughing gull

    oops fellowpians it’s the beer…

  12. Just posting in a FUNNY AS HELL COMMENT THREAD!

    Seriously, folks, keep bringing the awesome.

  13. Laughing gull

    I’m still laughing so hard I’m afraid I won’t be able to spit if I see an omega!

  14. chocominties

    Wait, have I noticed that MRAL is con-spit-uously absent, or did I just scroll past him?

    I was going to say something else, but got distracted by a 3″ cockroach. Oh, tropics. So my question will be slightly different:

    Which is worse?

    A. Giant fucking cockroaches.
    B. Being spat on by bitches.
    C. Being spat on by giant fucking cockroaches.

    I just saw a gecko. I’d tell the gecko to go eat the roach, but I think the roach is bigger. Ewwwwww. (Oh, and geckos don’t speak English. That too.)

  15. “The tiger turned good now, but the lemon is still evil

    Moving on, I have a question in regards to the sex dolls wars, where do coin operated boys fit into the mix?

  16. PosterformerlyknownasElizabeth

    I can go to Glendale any day of the week…I know a few judges who work there.

  17. i turn more than one in a week or so. I don’t live in Ariz.

  18. Know any bankruptcy judges named Baum?😀

    Srsly tho, what things were you considering doing for your birthday?😀 like were you thinking a trip or something?🙂

  19. Sirvix!!! I see a superhero guy but like dressed in a tuxedo… or… !!😄

  20. Another obvious one: bosom buddy.

  21. Also too: Guy-spot.

  22. Also too, too: buster.

  23. Man O’ Whore?

  24. PosterformerlyknownasElizabeth

    Well my “vacation” last week sucked so I was hoping to go somewhere with rain. However I was born in summer so no where has rain. *cries*

    I have to go to Louisville, KY next month. I really have no interest but the best friend is insisting so it cannot be too expensive.

    In other news: Terry Jones is awesome.

  25. Captain Bathrobe

    Beth, come to the Bay Area in CA. We have rain in abundance right now–in June no less. (I mean, seriously, what the fuck?) Too bad you only have 4 days.

    Second that Terry Jones is awesome–from Sir Bedevere to Mr. Creosote and beyond.

  26. PosterformerlyknownasElizabeth

    I have been there-last time was for NYE and it was sunny. I was shocked! Shocked I tells ya!

  27. Nowhere has rain in summer? What? Go to Florida! It’s all thunderstorms all the time! Summer rain is what I miss most living on the left coast.

    (this stuff we have right now, this is not summer rain – this is winter rain that got lost on its way out to sea)

  28. PosterformerlyknownasElizabeth

    hahaha, Terry Jones just said that the first inventor was most likely a woman-who invented something to carry her baby.

    And I can believe that to be true. 😀

    As for Florida-y’all elected a Bush! Plus humidity and heat is a bad combination or I would be going to New Orleans.

  29. I’m bisexual, but this really makes me want to just date women only. Then again, I suppose the type of people that frequent and who think a woman “loses her looks” at 30 and that only women in a subordinate position are datable- aren’t necessarily the average men.

  30. Hey, I’m no Floridian, I’m just saying – rain, they gots it. It has rained every time I’ve gone there. I think most of the east coast gets summer rain, it’s just the most impressive down there what with the accompanying light shows😀

  31. PosterformerlyknownasElizabeth

    Ah…I was just on Huff Post and Vogue has a spread of some “plus sized” models. I really should ask MRAL when he comes out of hiding to give us his view on their being “plus sized.”


  32. @Elizabeth: It rains here always. Come experience the temperate rainforest that is southeast AK.

  33. PosterformerlyknownasElizabeth

    I was just in Alaska…every single day was sunny! Sunny and warm!

    I stopped at Ketchikan, Juneau, Skagway, Seward, and Anchorage! SUNNY! All day except for a wee bit of cloud cover for the morning. (That is why my vacation was not super awesome.)

  34. I had hubby do the survey last night. He nearly lost his mind on the GPS question he was so disturbed/stunned. Talk about badly written, half the questions he had to reply with an answer that was actually wrong, but was the closest they had. What’s the problem with including ‘none of the above’ on every question even if they aren’t creative enough to come up with some actual reasonable answers?

  35. Fellowpian tubes? Not Phallopian tubes? I mean while we’re talking Greek systems and all…

  36. CB: Where in the Bay? I’m at least semi-local to you (for the next eight weeks).

  37. Captain Bathrobe

    Pecunium: North Bay.

  38. Ah… I’m in Palo Alto. Until I move to New Jersey in August.

  39. @Elizabeth: You hit us in an off week, then. 😉 It has been extra sunny so far this year, though. I get uncomfortable in the heat.

  40. PosterformerlyknownasElizabeth

    I know, the first time I went to AK it was gloriously rainy, wet, cloudy, cold and otherwise miserable for sun lovers.

    That week I kept checking and it kept saying “sunny.” Agh!

    I finally settled on LA since it is within six hours and 13 has never been to anything touristy there.

  41. Beth… You live in LA? I’ll be back (I spent most of 30 years there) this week.

  42. Which is worse?

    A. Giant fucking cockroaches.
    B. Being spat on by bitches.
    C. Being spat on by giant fucking cockroaches.

    or D. Bitches ARE cockroaches, leeches, snakes……….

  43. PosterformerlyknownasElizabeth

    I live in Arizona but I am from San Diego originally. I am going because I want to go somewhere for my birthday.

  44. Ah…..

    I’ll be in San Luis Obispo for mine.

  45. PosterformerlyknownasElizabeth

    I have been there before-such a pretty place. I love my home state.

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