Listen lady, a WOMAN’S vagina is like a MAN’S money! Why oh why won’t anyone date me?

Let me explain once more why your vagina is like my money.

The A(n)nals of Online Dating blog manages to unearth some astoundingly awful and creepy online dating profiles. Looking around on the site’s archives the other day, I came across one profile that reminded me of so many discussions here I felt I needed to share it with you. Here’s some unnamed OKCupid dude explaining just what he looks for in a woman.

He starts off almost reasonably:

Message me if you are intelligent and can hold chopsticks and are not racist.

Ok, that’s a little confrontational, and the bit about chopsticks is odd, but there’s nothing wrong with wanting your date to be smart and not a bigot.

It’s at this point he careens off the road:

Also message me if you can understand that a WOMAN’S vagina is like a MAN’S money.

Go on.

Meaning if we are NOT dating and if I do not KNOW who you are, you will have to be able to provide for yourself.

Are there really a lot of women on dating sites that expect men they don’t know to pay their rent or electric bills?

I am not going to give a little unless you can give a little.

Ah, the transactional model of dating. What’s the over/under on this guy also being a raving Ron Paul fan?

Most women dont want to feel like a whore by giving it up on the first night and dont want to be used just for sex. They also dont want to give it up and then be afraid the man will leave. Thats the SAME way I FEEL about spending my hard earned money on you.

Because women don’t want to feel like whores, you’re going to treat them exactly like whores, by equating vaginas and money?

A lot of women in this town dont follow through with anything they say and a lot of them have A LOT of insecurities along with expecting a guy to buy them food and drinks and then completely walk over them.

By “walk[ing] over them” I presume he means that the women are not having sex with every guy who buys them a dinner while explaining at length about how vaginas and money are the same thing and why Ron Paul is the only hope for our nation.

I dont play that and I’ve dated a few women who are gorgeous who happen to understand what I am talking about.

So why the OkCupid profile? I guess these gorgeous women must not be returning his calls any more.

So if you u understand that my money and time is just as valuable as your body, then we’ll be in agreement to not share anything until there is an understanding.

You’ll need to sign the “sex for dinner” contract here and here, and initial here. And you’re ready to go!

Oh, and if you fellas here (of the heterosexual persuasion) are feeling a little left out, remember, there are some terrible, terrible women out there in online dating land for you as well.

If you like prescription drugs, weird bird feet, and fistfights with jealous Juggalo ex-boyfriends, send this little lady a note.

EDITED TO ADD: Holly Pervocracy has a great post on the wrongness of the vaginas = money equation here.

About David Futrelle

I run the blog We Hunted the Mammoth, which tracks (and mocks) online misogyny. My writing has appeared in a wide variety of places, including Salon,, the Washington Post, the New York Times Book Review and Money magazine. I like cats.

Posted on February 27, 2012, in $MONEY$, creepy, men who should not ever be with women ever, misogyny, oppressed men, vaginas, whores. Bookmark the permalink. 175 Comments.

  1. Nasty? I’d pick “baffling” or “unintentionally hilarious” as descriptors for Antz.

  2. Is it wrong to order in food because I’m too lazy to go hunt for it? I mean, a man might be the person to bring it to me, and I hope bonbons are included. But, then, I’ll be paying with my own money. I’ll have to ask if they’ll take alternative forms of payment. *hopes they can bring tuna, too, for the cat. he’s eyeing me despairingly.*

  3. If OKC became incarnate it would probably destroy its host, like when the TARDIS inhabited a woman in that Doctor Who that Neil Gaiman wrote.

    I never went on those dates where a dude buys you dinner etc. I just got into relationships and everyone mostly paid their own way except for birthday treats or one person being out of work or something. Isn’t that more usual these days?

  4. I get uncomfortable when men insist on paying for everything. It just reads as “I’m doing this because if you accept I can use it to leverage you into sex later”. Either that or “I am super traditional”, which doesn’t work for me. There was this one guy I met online, but in a way that it was clearly specified that no sex or dating would be happening, who tried to pay for everthing. Ended up refusing to hang out with him any more because it was weirding me out so much.

  5. felixBC – Foodler is never wrong.

    …Now that I think about it, I don’t think I’ve ever had a female Foodler driver. I guess it’s some weird mix of “women don’t feel safe driving alone to stranger’s houses at night” and “women don’t get hired as drivers because driving is somehow manly”? Lots of the restaurants have women answering the phones, but they’re never the delivery drivers.

    …I may be overthinking this.

  6. I get uncomfortable when men insist on paying for everything. It just reads as “I’m doing this because if you accept I can use it to leverage you into sex later”.

    That’s because it usually is.

  7. Most of the guys I dated who insisted on paying for me were perfectly sweet people who also didn’t date much and I think had gathered their idea of how dating worked from popular culture. It’s super-awkward to say no to someone paying for you, though. I used to get in fights over it.

    My girlfriend pays for me sometimes now, too. I guess I just have one of those faces…?

  8. If I were to work out a dollar-by-dollar reckoning of who has spent what in my relationship, I think I’d find that my boyfriend has spent more than me. Things get complicated when one person’s a poor student and one person has been working full-time since that poor student was 5 or so. We deal with our different financial statuses in a few ways. Generally we just stay in and do free things, like cuddling with 20-lb kitties. Sometimes I’ll try to find great deals on stuff, so I can treat him to something I wouldn’t otherwise be able to afford. But really, not all that often. Our relationship really isn’t a money sink for either of us. We just like hangin’ out with one another.

    I’ll admit, though, we’ve never tried dealing with our different money situations by me having sex with him on demand, and then charging him in restaurant meals. Maybe that would simplify things right up for us.

  9. It’s really weird. I actually know a guy who once asked his girlfriend, who wanted to pay for their date, to give him the money so it would still look like he paid to other people. They usually went dutch, or took turns paying for the other partner.
    Luckily, he grew out of this mindset, and from what I know, never actually thought his date owed him sex in case he paid.

    Damn you, restricting gender roles! ( `-´)9 *shakes fist at the heavens*

  10. My wife and I went dutch until we moved in together and pooled our finances into a joint bank account.

    Ever since then, whoever pays more has been the one who earns more – which was mainly me over the last decade but is currently her.

    But he fact that we each paid our own way on our first date had no effect on us deciding to round it off by sleeping together. Bizarrely, if two people are attracted to each other and want to have sex, it usually doesn’t matter what financial arrangement they came to earlier.

  11. My now-husband and I would generally switch off paying, but without keeping track of it. Whoever planned the date would plan to pay for it all, but the other person always planned to pay their half.

    Of course, we got drunk and made out for hours before even setting up the first date. The first date was more along the lines of, “so we’ve been having fun. Maybe we should make this all official and actually date”

    Now that we share a bank account, he usually does the physical laying down of the credit card or cash when we eat at restaurants. Unless I’m taking him on a date🙂.

  12. Yeah, I prefer to pay my own way on dates too. Its very uncomfortable spending a date wondering if your date is the type to expect sex in payment. Fortunately, beloved and I are long past that point and whoever has the cash on hand pays. It evens out in the long run.

    But should I ever start dating again, I’ll be keeping Hollys remarks in mind about market value….bad enough being assumed to be a whore let alone a cheap one.

  13. >>>>>Bizarrely, if two people are attracted to each other and want to have sex, it usually doesn’t matter what financial arrangement they came to earlier.

    I know, it’s insane isn’t it!

  14. Antz: What, you aren’t here to actually persuade anyone? You are here for the sake of being nasty?

    Say it ain’t so.

    And… work on it. You’re no NWO, hell, you aren’t even a Meller. Second string, at best, in the nasty dept.

  15. I wonder if he realises how ridiculous he sounds. “You lie!! I would never go somewhere where I’d be welcome, I’m too busy failing to invade other people’s spaces!!”

  16. Poor female students will stop accepting free food and lower rent from older, richer boyfriends just as soon as old, rich men stop dating younger, poorer women. It’s just that easy.

  17. You know the whole free food and lower rent comes up as a meme with MRAs, but it is relatively rare in actual practice.
    The majority of young, poor women are working and making their own money, paying for the majority of their own food, paying their own rent and not sleeping with their landlords.

  18. I make Mr H pay when we go out to restaurants because my dyslexia manifests itself the worst with numbers and I’m scared I’ll calculate the tip wrong and short change the poor server. I have an app that calculates it for when I’m out by myself, but I feel like a doofus when I use it.

    I also make him pay the pizza delivery person because pizza men (it’s always a man, in my experience) scare the shit out of me.

    But I figure since it’s a) from our joint account and b) I clean the cat boxes because the smell of cat pee makes him retch, it’s all good.

    It’s almost like we’re two rational individuals who have fairly negotiated ways of co-exisiting where one person has used their strengths to pick up the slack left by the other’s weaknesses. I think that they call that shit a “partnership” or some such.

    Not that those exist in MRAlandia.

  19. 3) They are Ramona Flowers and you will have to fight all their exes to get the right to date them.

    Oh thank god I’m not the only one whose first thought upon hearing “five evil exes” was “Scott Pilgrim!”

    … this despite the fact that I have neither read it nor watched it.

  20. “Oh thank god I’m not the only one whose first thought upon hearing “five evil exes” was “Scott Pilgrim!”

    … this despite the fact that I have neither read it nor watched it.”

    Do it. Now.

    (Ok, I have only read the first 2 graphic novels, but still)

  21. I make Mr H pay when we go out to restaurants because my dyslexia manifests itself the worst with numbers and I’m scared I’ll calculate the tip wrong and short change the poor server. I have an app that calculates it for when I’m out by myself, but I feel like a doofus when I use it.

    You know, it is good that you mention this since I read an article in the NYTimes insulting those who need apps like the tip calculator to do simple tasks that “everyone” should be able to do and it is proof you are dumbing down the US by needing such things when in reality is proof that some people have different aptitudes and yours is not math.

  22. The elusive MRA Lover!

    Either he’s a terrible lover, or a terrible MRA!

  23. Man, I wish I could get someone to pay my rent, but all the older people I know are also broke.

  24. Who wants to bet that dude doesn’t get very many messages from the ladies on OkCupid?

  25. @PosterformerlyknownasElizabeth

    (very very OT)

    I’m glad you said that because I actually have a *huge* complex about not being able to do “simple math” (or complex math, either, but wev) in my head and being a woman (durr hurr girlz iz bad at math) and a scientist as well.

    Like, I will go to great lengths to pretend I’m not using my phone to add two numbers together, or figure out percentages of things because I’m deathly afraid of embodying the sterotype of Woman Who is Bad at Teh Maths and therefor invalidating my place as a female scientist. And I don’t know about you, but I’ve never found anxiety to do anything but exacerbate dyslexia, and thus a vicious cycle is birthed. (/Nature Film Voice-Over Voice).

    I think there may be a conversation to be had about the standards of education in North America, especially in poor neighbourhoods (rich kids: smarter because rich or smarter because JUST MADE AWESOME LIKE THAT, YA KNOW?), and how and why we’re fostering a culture of anti-intellectuallism, and perhaps the death of critical thinking – but that’s a complicated conversation with a load of racism, ableism, sexim and classism (and I’m sure a few more -isms) to unpack.

    And seriously – pizza delivery doods are the worst for me. STRANGE PERSON! AT MY DOOR! AND THEY WANT ME TO DO MATHS! Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun! Thank god I have my Mr Last Choice Beta to do all the work for me while I eat bon bons. (And for “eat bon bons” please read “cower in the kitchen under the pretext of keeping the dog away from the door”).

  26. @Halite, Pfkae,

    Ugh, the ladies can’t do math stereotype is really stupid. In my case, I’m bad at mental arithmetic, but I’m pretty awesome at a lot of other math (physics lady!). When it takes me forever to calculate a tip or whatever, I feel like I have to tell people stuff like, “I’m have a math degree, and even I can’t add!”. Partly, I feel like I have to make excuses for not being great at arithmetic, partly, but also I want to use my math-cred to counteract the stupid “ladies can’t do math” stereotype.

    And for another thing, the ability to do arithmetic is really not even remotely related to your ability to do science, so it’s an exceptionally pointless thing to judge people on. Shoot, it’s not even really relevant to getting a degree in mathematics (and I would know, ahem). It’d be like judging a person’s basketball playing skills based on whether they can spin the ball on their finger- I’m sure there are at least a few NBA players who can’t spin a ball, and plenty of circus jugglers who can.

    The ability to multiply numbers in your head is not a necessary skill for any science that I’m aware of, either. I know I’m not the only physicist who’s pretty weak or sloppy at arithmetic, but plenty of physicists do just fine these days with calculators. Honestly, I see it as more of a party trick, so the NYTimes can just get off their high horse about tip-calculators representing the “dumbing down” of america. Sure, everyone should have a basic knowledge of practical math, but people mocking others for using calculators are just doing it to feel superior.

    If anybody ever gives you grief over your math abilities, they are a misinformed asshole. You shouldn’t feel ashamed at all- there are lots of really great ways to be an amazing scientist (or any other field, too!), and most of those don’t involve doing long-division in your head.

    So, that was longer than I meant it to be.
    tl;dr- The ability to do mental arithmetic is not a measure of intelligence or scientific aptitude.

  27. >>When it takes me forever to calculate a tip or whatever, I feel like I have to tell people stuff like, “I’m have a math degree, and even I can’t add!”.<<

    I'm in the same boat. My excuse is usually: "I'm a mathematician! I stopped using actual *numbers* my second year of college!"

  28. Arithmetics is to math as writing a dictation is to litterature. The only people who think it would be a sin to let a machine take over doing that sort of rote, repetitive and creativity-free task are people who don’t actually do either math or creative writing, but think of themselves as clever Galtian supermen who could definitely do it if they ever put their mind to it. Since, you know, they can add, and stuff.

    Nobody is a bigger proponent of math literacy than I am, but if you want kids to grasp math, the last thing you need to care about is if they’re able to add or multiply. How about teaching more people how to understand basic statistics so they know when the media or politicans are bamboozling them? (Something that you’ll be lucky if you find an extra credits course in High School to teach you, and is usually only available to college students.)

  29. @QuantumSparkle
    I *know* intellectually that being craptacular at adding in my noggin isn’t a reflection on my ability as a scientist, but the cultural indoctrination is hard to shake, ya know? Also when you’re the only women in a group of men, you become representative of All Women, Everywhere, All The Time, and it’s a big weight to carry (imagined or not).

    I use the excuse “I’m a geologist! My error margin is plus or minus two million. Leave me alone!”

    I hear ya on the rote task thing. When I was in Uni, I had to memorize the structure of each molecule in the Kreb’s cycle and be able to draw them on the test. Why? What was the point of that use of brainpower. If I want to know the structure of citirc acid, I go look that shit up. How about knowing what happens if you change a component, or remove it, or why it’s component X and not Y? There was a lot of depth lacking in my education.

  30. I suddenly feel a lot better about having a hard time doing math in my head.

  31. @Halite
    I didn’t mean to imply you should “get over it” or that it’s all imagined!
    I just definitely relate to your experiences, and I hate the pressure I feel from those stereotypes: that if I’m bad at something, then it reflects on all women everywhere. I tend get really bristly when I hear some douche being all “hurrdurr women can’t do math”. I mean, partly because I hate sexism in general, but partly because that stupid stereotype means I feel like I personally have to be good at EVERYTHING to prove that women are actually not stupid. And if I fail at anything, I’ve let all women down and proved El Douche-o right. 😦

    I agree completely. It’s a tiresome burden.

    Oh, and I would absolutely LOVE it if people in general had a better understanding of probability and statistics- they’re tricky subjects, but wow! would it be awesome for more people to be able to recognize misleading science reports, or news misrepresentations of studies, or about a zillion other things.

  32. @QuantumSparkle

    Oh, I didn’t think you mean to dismiss it or tell me to “get over it” at all! Sorry for giving you that impression, really I am:/ I was trying to say that it makes me feel better when people say “oh, it’s ok, you don’t have to be the Science Ambassador for All Womankind, don’t stress yourself” but that even though I know that, I don’t *knowknow* that, ya know?

    It’s like very other bullshit expectation we hvae put on us. I know (intellectually if not viscerally) that it’s ok to make more money and be better educated than Mr H, but I still agonize about it and minimize it in public and apologise to him for it.

    Blargh. I need a beer. I am failing at teh internetz today.

  33. @QuantumSparkle

    Also I’m glad I re-read before posting because I had addressed you as “TwilightSparkle”


  34. Twilight Sparkle *might* just be my favorite pony…. (Because I’m also a dork!)😀
    No worries! I’m really never sure how my tone will come across in a post- so I overthink it and assume I accidentally implied something else.

  35. I must be the only straight man in town with a shitload of money in the bank who is not interested in sleeping with women even after I’ve taken them out to really expensive dinners time after time lol.

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