He is totally going to score.

Beta males! Do you want to score with the pretty ladies? The Heartiste formerly known as Roissy has a suggestion for you: figure out when your favorite pretty lady is having cotton pony rodeo time – sorry,  her period — and make your move then! Apparently, according to SCIENCE, that’s when the pretty ladies will be most receptive to your pathetic, hamhanded beta advances.

Let’s let the master explain:

[D]uring the three weeks a woman is not ovulating (and especially during her menstruation) her desire is shifted toward beta provider males. … To put this in the simplest terms possible, a woman who is hot enough to bang greater alphas will subconsciously gravitate to lesser alphas as her ovaries power down for three weeks. A plain jane who makes herself receptive to greater betas when ovulating will subconsciously begin to warm to the attentions of lesser betas reading her poetry after her hormones stabilize post-ovulation.

But fellas, don’t actually expect her to stoop to having sex with the likes of you.

I don’t mean she is suddenly going to be attracted to the opposite of the alpha males she craves when egging out. Instead, I mean she will become more indulgent of men who are somewhat more beta than the last alpha male she banged, or wished to bang, when she was ovulating. …

[B]eta males are not going to suddenly see action for three weeks with the women who aren’t ovulating. What they might see is more receptiveness — more openness — to their sloppy, guileless flirtations from those women.

And if by some weird miracle you beta dudes are actually dating a woman, Heartiste is a little more optimistic for you:

[E]njoy your two or three tepid bangs during the three weeks you are reasonably safe from the depredations of your sweet girlfriend’s behavioral modification egg assault and any interloper alpha males who might be conveniently available to her. No, you won’t ever get her to scream “choke the living shit out of me and plunge your divine cock into my tight puckered asshole as far as it’ll go until I’m bleeding tears of exquisite pain ps I saved my incredibly lubricated pussy all for you” like Olivia Munn, but at least you get to wrap up your two minute tenderly administered intimacy sessions scraping your beta peen along her dry vagina walls with twenty minute cuddleramas and a bloated chickflix queue.

Oy. I can’t really keep up the sarcasm after that. I just feel bad that the genuinely charming and hilarious Olivia Munn (no sarcasm here) has been pulled into Heartiste’s strange fantasy world.

About David Futrelle

I run the blog We Hunted the Mammoth, which tracks (and mocks) online misogyny. My writing has appeared in a wide variety of places, including Salon,, the Washington Post, the New York Times Book Review and Money magazine. I like cats.

Posted on March 15, 2012, in alpha males, bad boys, beta males, creepy, evil women, I'm totally being sarcastic, it's science!, men who should not ever be with women ever, misandry, misogyny, precious bodily fluids, PUA, sex, vaginas. Bookmark the permalink. 103 Comments.

  1. @ magdelyn

    Want whatever strain of the flu I have? I’ve lost nearly 10 pounds in the last week. As to why people like Antz actually believe Roissy’s flights of fantasy about his imaginary sex life, I have no idea.

  2. The flu, eh? I might have to try it.

  3. What did you guys do to poor Qanan to make him quit his mod-ship and /r/mensrights and secure his blog?

    Precisely… nothing.

    Which doesn’t seem to have stopped people from starting a nice little blamefest, it seems. Legolas-the-elf seems to think it’s all due to the day-before-yesterday’s MRA comics cavalcade thread.

  4. Haha, the same guys who cheered for Register-Her and “Agent Orange” flip out if someone links their public, anonymous reddit account to their public, anonymous blog.

  5. Aside from the squicky stuff that’s already been mentioned…

    From what I remember in high school, the ovaries are taking a vacation while a woman is on her period. They’re at work for a couple of weeks before menstruation starts. Once ovulation has occurred, they shut down while the body waits to see if the woman gets pregnant or not.

    Then again, considering these morons seem to think women are an entirely different species, I guess it’s not surprising they know about as much about biology as they do about sex.

  6. Holly, from that link that Xanthe posted, it sounds as if someone contacted Qanan’s employer and said that he accesses hate websites from his employee account.

    FWIW, I think it’s wrong to contact someone’s employer. I don’t agree with his views, but I think it’s unfair to try to cause trouble for something like this. I had something similar happen to me when I was in grad school and even if you don’t get into trouble, it really affects how you behave onlline.

    Question: What is SRS? I read the previous OP and comments and still couldn’t figure out what it stands for.

  7. Wisteria, r/SRS is reddit’s Shit Reddit Says sub-reddit – a part of the website that picks out all of the bigoted crap on reddit and pokes fun at it. Apparently the next part of the conspiracy says that we at ManBoobz are entirely responsible for all of the entries on r/SRS which are mocking the r/MensRights sub-reddit. Oh, and ManBoobz is apparently also responsible for having exploded the Hindenburg 75 years ago. Oh, the huge manatee!!1!

  8. OK, that’s not acceptable. Nobody should be contacting anyone’s employers about what they do online. If someone is threatening to commit an actual crime, ie “I intend to kill X on Y date”, then maybe contact the police, but nobody should ever be trying to out someone to their boss, family, etc for their online activity. That’s completely unethical.

  9. Shit just got real.

  10. Regarding the post. There’s a guy on you tube that for years made chomsky/anarchist type videos and had quite a huge following. He then started in on feminism, and he lost droves of intelligent viewers. They would argue with him and I would read the exchanges and think well surely he’s seen the error of his ways. Nope. Months down the road he’s still persisting in it and it’s almost all he talks about now. He even came out as a PUA dating coach. Scores and scores of people thought it was a parody video…he had to be joking, right? Nope.

    Anyway, he had this thing he would do talking about how men are “emotional tampons” for women. He does these amusing mental acrobatics to try and come up with some halfway plausible equivalent to the physical objectification that females experience. All he does is falsely equivocate. He also had this video up that he took down saying, “Well men are success objects, so BOO anyway, so there. Gotcha, what you gonna say now?”

    That false equivocation had to be pointed out to him multiple times. I still don’t know if he’s got it yet. His name is mr1001nights if anyone is interested. I think I made really good points on his last two trainwreck videos, and he took them down, but who knows why.

    So from him, I get this “emotional tampon” concept. Men are “emotional tampons” to women. I guess because no man really understands talking and sharing and stuff. It’s just an imposition on them, anything outside of sex or worship of his ego. He also is one for talking about the “friend zone” like it’s male abuse.

  11. Behavioral modification egg assault? Sounds like this could be a new band name.

  12. scraping your beta peen along her dry vagina walls

    SEX HACK: If you and a sex partner have decided to have vaginal sex, but the partner with the vagina doesn’t feel wet despite wanting sex with you, you can use an artificial lubricant! Check it’s okay with the condoms you’re using first, if you’re using them.

  13. See, I’ve figured it out. We can’t talk about enthusiastic consent and having sex that’s as awesome as possible for both people, but if they’re SEX HACKS you’re actually breaking the rules! Cheating the sex game!


    It rhymes and everything.

  15. @magdelyn: it starts here,, if you want to read it by yourself. He wanted to exchange ozy for an MRA, talk about politic and bragged about painting. I think you should search your answers elsewhere.

  16. Remember guys, twenty minute cuddleramas are a bad thing.

    Yeah, 20 minutes is far too short for my satisfaction😦

  17. Christ, this guy hates his followers more than we do.

    FWIW, I think it’s wrong to contact someone’s employer. I don’t agree with his views, but I think it’s unfair to try to cause trouble for something like this. I had something similar happen to me when I was in grad school and even if you don’t get into trouble, it really affects how you behave onlline.

    Eh, he linked his own public name to his persona before. That kinda tells me he didn’t think it was that big a deal. Still, I am not happy with running to employers for anything less than the threat of violence.

  18. SEX HACK: If your sex weren’t two minutes of resentful “scraping,” your partner might want to have it more than twice a month.

  19. Mags:

    I found “stationary bike in front of the TV + Netflix subscription” to work super good!

  20. Wowwwww.

    If this is what straight men think sex is like, it’s no wonder there’s such misery in the world! I’ve been on ace groups and seen less revulsion towards sex.


  21. If someone is threatening to commit an actual crime, ie “I intend to kill X on Y date”, then maybe contact the police, but nobody should ever be trying to out someone to their boss, family, etc for their online activity. That’s completely unethical.

    I find myself unlurking whenever this topic comes up, because this sentiment (to me) basically tells people who are the targets of internet harassment that they are obligated to protect the privacy of their harassers, and that they can’t do anything about it. When I was a teenager, I received a number of anonymous harassing public messages online. They weren’t threatening, but they were humiliating, and I’m sure you all know what kind of emotional effect something like that can have on a kid. I figured out who they were from (a creep in my social circle who resented me for not giving him the attention he thought he deserved just for existing) and (being a teenager) I told all of our mutual friends. He ended up being the one who was humiliated, and he never bothered me again. Outing him was the only way I had to take control of the situation, and I’m glad I did it.

    I don’t think my situation was unique in this respect; I can think of a number of situations where outing would be the only option a victim has, other than meekly accepting harassment or threats. So I’m curious: why do people think this response is unethical?

  22. @mamram: I don’t know who outed him to his employer, but if it was someone here (which I really hope it wasn’t, guys :-S) it doesn’t look like there was any kind of harrassment going on, unless it was in PMs or something or he said some cruel things on another site. That sets this situation apart from yours. Sorry that happened, by the way.

    @Rogan, luckily the straight guys worth keeping have (or are willing to develop) much better attitudes towards sex! I love my straight guy. I’m getting ready to go to his place for a cuddle date right now!

  23. It works both ways wgen it comes to bullying. A fair number of bullies are also being bullied. There’s always someone bigger and more vicious around.

  24. Wow..spiders and blood sucking flies. Um…can we at least keep the comparisons of evolutionary tactics within the mammalian groups please? Also, keep some perspective dudes! Evolution is but one small factor in mate selection. Nurture and culture are far bigger factors and probably more helpful if you’re looking to resolve problems. A few million years of evolution isn’t something you can just work around.

  25. It’s probably not intentional, but I can’t get past the “Betamax” in “Betamaxipad.”

    Betamax iPad!

    Otherwise known as Android?

  26. @pillowhell: at least spider is a change from (fantasy) wolves.

  27. Xanthe, thanks for defining SRS for me. I should have been able to figure it out but I kept trying to figure out what radical feminist site it was referring to.

    mamram, I think you were definitely within your rights to out that harasser. I agree that victims shouldn’t have to protect their bullies. But it sounds as if Qanan wasn’t harassing anyone, just made posts, commented, and had a website.

    I have to admit that there are times when I wonder how the women in certain people’s lives would feel if they knew of the comments or posts they make, but that’s really none of my business as long as they’re not threatening anyone.

  28. Coming in to +10000000000 on not sending info to employers (having been outed in the sense of having fan pseud identified with legal name, and threats made to send to my employer–although the hilarious thing was, the outer had the WRONG university posted, which eventually led to a friend I have there, years later, being asked by a friend of hers (all in fandom) if she knew me (which she did, from academic conferences). But that’s just wrong.

    However, having been online harassed (by disgruntled colleague), I did report it to the university police, who (under new laws about online harassment) tracked dude down and brought the case (unfortunately, DA who was best buds with his lawyer, talked me into plea settlement by lying to me about it going on the record–turns out the plea, at the level of charge brought, meant his record was expunged in a year).

    Online harassment and stalking is darn hard to get people to deal with, though they’re taken more seriously–and it’s frustrating. I’m somewhat surprised nobody’s (apparently?) reported Register.her (although I also know that if somebody has, they would not be talking about it, at advice of the police).

  29. Kiki: AHAHAHA! I LOVE LOVE LOVE my new Droid!

  30. Sorry that happened, by the way.

    Thanks, Viscaria. Oddly, I’m not sorry it happened. It held valuable lessons for teenage me: that I don’t have to stand for that shit if I don’t want to and that I don’t have to be nice to everyone all the time. There are definitely worse ways for a teenage girl to learn those things.

  31. Cotton Pony Wrangler

    Someone called his work and reported him for being part of a “hate movement” and for surfing “hate sites” from a work IP.

    This doesn’t pass the smell test. How would anyone other than his company’s IT staff or the “hate site” owner know what sites he’s browsing at work?

    I was the one who noticed that he mentioned an /r/mensrights post and his anonymous blog on his (onymous) Good Men Project blog, and so assumed it was more or less open knowledge that he was Qanan, or that he wasn’t hiding it at any rate. Didn’t really feel like he needed outing, just mocking.

    Unless Qanan himself was harassing anyone, I think that it would be unethical (not to mention creepy) to call his boss… if that did in fact happen. Qanan is imj a passive/aggressive whiner and at worst an enabler of some of the darker shit on Reddit. That’s what snark is for.

  32. …you know, I always thought that book “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” was a lot of bullshit; but now I realize the author was just trying to warn the rest of us about SOME people: they are from OTHER PLANETS.

  33. @Hesster

    You’re right about the timing of ovulation and menstruation, but Heartoissy didn’t actually get it wrong (this time). The first line of the first quote says that women are more receptive to “beta” attention when they’re not ovulating and especially when they’re menstruating.

    I read it the way you did the first time, too.

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