The No-Friend Zone

Ladies! Here, fresh from the MensRants subreddit is A Man With Whom You Do Not Want To Be Friends. Or acquaintances. Or anything, really. To be honest, you probably don’t even want this guy to spot you at a distance from the window of a speeding train. Much T.M.I. in this quote:

Why can't I be 'just friends' with a woman? (self.MensRants)  submitted 2 days ago by vestra4  I don't know, my ratio of social awkwardness - to - hormonal horniness seems so exquisitely fine-tuned, that it is hard for me to be near a woman, or talk to her, without roaring waves of sex lust filling my thoughts, and it's all I can do to keep these thoughts hidden until I am out of range of the woman, any woman, in question. Later I will undoubtably fantasize about her, just based on having been near her.  So the concept of being 'just friends' with a woman seems to me to be the most alien, self-deceiving torture I could possibly put myself through. Like eternally being in a candy store in which I cannot buy or taste the candy, like being in a library where I am not allowed to read the books.  A child who grew up going to church will say "Why yes, I believe in God" but what is it that they believe? Are they lying to themselves? Are they just saying what they have been trained to say? I never went to church and if I am asked "Do you believe in God", for me to say "Why, yes, I believe in God" would be me telling a lie, knowingly, willingly. And in a similar vein, a woman asking me "Can we be just friends?" must be met with an answer of No, for there will not be a moment of Time in which I am not pornographically violently thinking of filling her up with my seed, touching her skin, smelling her hair, sucking her breasts.  Perhaps I have too much libido, too much testosterone. How do other men do it? My mad and furious master would never allow it, and I am not sure I want to escape him, for that would mean a kind of death.

Dude, I would seriously suggest you start masturbating. A lot. Preferably not in public.

And try not to bother any actual women for a while, at least until you can start conceptualizing of them as something more than objects (like candy or books) that have been set out for you to use as you please.

Also, your “mad and furious master?” “Mad and furious master?” Did you really just write that? I think you mean your boner. If you want to get fancy, your libido. What are you, Heartiste? Can none of you idiots write about sex without getting all purple prosey on us?

About David Futrelle

I run the blog We Hunted the Mammoth, which tracks (and mocks) online misogyny. My writing has appeared in a wide variety of places, including Salon,, the Washington Post, the New York Times Book Review and Money magazine. I like cats.

Posted on July 15, 2013, in boner rage, creepy, grandiosity, men who should not ever be with women ever, misogyny, MRA, narcissism, penises, reddit, sex, sexualization and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 225 Comments.

  1. I’ve been playing a nWoD Changeling campaign! It’s been a lot of fun. But I do miss using different kinds of dice. I get sick of only d10s. I want to use my pretty sparkly d20!

  2. Oh so you meant that *I* think *you’ve* been drinking gin. You fucking up your pronouns then, hence the confusion!

    Malkavians get screwed? In a word, yes.

    tooimpurenangel — you fail at the madness network I take it? Souldn’t we have automatically know about each other?😄

    FISHMALK *cough*



    ::rolls 2d6::

  4. Dammit, there was supposed to be a link there.

    ::rolls 2d6::

    I just realized why we can’t get AD&D core rules from that website.

    It’s because WotC are chiselers.

    So far they’ve released “premium” editions of the core rulebooks for the two AD&D editions, and collected the S and A adventures into hardback books, too.

    It’s like they’ve just recognized the old-school renaissance movement in the last year or two and are trying to cash in.

  5. @Falconer

    I wouldn’t feel at home with D&D if they weren’t trying to wring more money out of folk… I’ve been playing since color coded boxed rules and spent most of my time playing first edition. It’s always been the same to at least some degree.🙂

    “Do you have a fiver? Yes?!?! Let me help you with that!” *removes $5*

  6. @Argenti
    HA! You’d think that Dementation would’ve let me know, right? That is the right one, right? I haven’t played in yearssssss.

  7. Hi. Sorry to interrupt, and I may already be too late on this thread. But unfortunately for the third time I’ve failed miserably to make ‘search’ work on this site (it never comes back with any results for anything, just whirls around and around endlessly…) I know someone mentioned somewhere that there are publications and websites it’s advisable to recommend to men who are drawn to PUA, but haven’t necessarily been drawn into them yet. I’m talking to one in a different forum, and he’s attracted to them because he thinks they have easy-to-follow methods and that’s what he thinks he needs. He’s recovering from a recent episode of poor mental health, and would like to make feeling confident about talking to women part of his next life phase. I *really* don’t want him to go looking for answers on PUA sites, but I have nothing to offer as an alternative. I know someone mentioned Susie Bright and Tristan somebodyorother recently? But which books are aimed at shy or unconfident men and will help them see women as people to form relationships with? Are there any good websites too? I’m sure you guys have listed all of these somewhere before, but I apologise for my inability to find it in search or in the sidebars. Many, many thanks in advance for your help.

  8. Captain Awkward is a good go to for most of those sorts of questions. There should be a link in the sidebar.

    tooimpurenangel — yep, dementation, auspex and obfuscation (a word I only know because of white wolf😄 )

  9. Argenti – thank you so much! I found four articles on Captain Awkward’s site straight away that would be just perfect! I’d still be grateful for any more tips and recommendations. I have a feeling compiling a list of these things may come in handy in the future…
    Thank you Manboobzers 🙂

  10. Ah, the rolling of dice. I’m leading my son and a few of his friends through “In Search of the Unknown”, a D&D module that came out in 1979. They don’t know how old school they’re kicking it.

  11. @Aegenti

    tooimpurenangel — yep, dementation, auspex and obfuscation (a word I only know because of white wolf😄 )

    Haha, Me, too! And people say gaming never teaches anything. FEH!

  12. We’re back in our Werewolf game after something like a year off, and it’s been surprisingly easy to get back into things. Our pack is a bunch of Garou of the wrong auspices – the alpha is a Ragabash who wants to be an Ahroun, our Ahroun is half Theurge, and my Galliard regularly smarts off to the Caern alpha like a Ragabash. She also told her pack alpha to ‘stop being such a sourwolf’ – luckily he was too lost in artifact induced ennui to kick her ass.

  13. I’m adding the finishing touches for a setting for a new game of D&D / Pathfinder ( We tend to pick and choose from both editions. I like barbarian rage powers, and the magus is a neat class… But I also like the finicky grapple rules and absurd modifiers…). I wonder how that’ll go. Since none of my co-players are dating each other this time (Yet), it may be that we’ll continue this campaign for more than 8 months without a nasty break up suddenly getting all up in the way.

    So! Hey! Manboobz!

    What obscure supplemental rules and or additions to the core d20 system makes for a better game in your opinion? Home rules, srd links, random picks from mythic vista or anything.

    Aiming for a old mythic nordic sort of thing, with vanar and runes and a Not-Roman empire poking up from the south and the occassional bothersome dwarf and some crippling additions to fighting.

    ( There’s a few from a the Thieve’s World’s Player guide I’m really considering adding viz a viz infection and serious wounds, and the spell system there is fairly neat. )

    If you have any good ideas or suggestions I’d love to hear ’em q:

  14. Ah, the rolling of dice. I’m leading my son and a few of his friends through “In Search of the Unknown”, a D&D module that came out in 1979. They don’t know how old school they’re kicking it.

    The beauty of that module is, because the DM sets up the encounters, no two play-throughs are the same to a larger degree than usual.

    If B1 was printed in 1979, I think it’s even more old-school, using the Holmes set, than the following modules, which started with the 1980 revision by Mentzer. If I’m right.

    I gotta admit, I’m tempted to run a huge campaign starting with Temple of Elemental Evil, going through the Slavers and Tjoscanth, dipping into S1 and S4, and ending with G-D-Q.

    … Is there a word for nostalgia for a memory you’ve never had?

    What obscure supplemental rules and or additions to the core d20 system makes for a better game in your opinion? Home rules, srd links, random picks from mythic vista or anything.

    In the last D&D game I played in, I was the heal monkey cleric, and I found that looking in the Complete class books for 3.5 helped me find spells that would satisfy my inner buttkicker by giving me control of some kind of attack power and letting me take care of other things, like healing, at the same time.

    So, like, spiritual hammer and summon monster were always on my list, but sometimes I would take a spell that would summon a warrior, I think it was called divine warrior or spectral warrior or something like that. And ring of blades was a favorite, but it’s a mob-killer and I had only a few opportunities to bust it out.

    I remember I ended a big ol’ scrum by summoning a hound archon. The other side just surrendered, at that point.

    Our bard found a feat somewhere (I think in Complete Scoundrel) that magnified the effects of her inspire courage song so we ended up with a +3 to hit and Will saves (I basically never had to prepare bless because it wouldn’t stack).

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