Heartiste: Hitler was a bitter Beta Male who wouldn’t have started WW2 if he’d read my pickup artist blog

But I'm a Nice Guy! Why won't she date me?

But I’m a Nice Guy! Why won’t she date me?

Some people dream of going back in a time machine and strangling baby Hitler in his crib, thus preventing World War II, the Holocaust, any number of stupid memes. Our dear friend Heartiste  — the repellent right-wing pickup guru — dreams instead of delivering the incredibly wussy teenage Hitler his own Sixteen Commandments of Poon, thus saving young Adolph from the horrors of Betahood and perhaps also preventing World War II, etc.

Heartiste, who evidently gets his news from seven-year-old stories in the Daily Mail, has been reading about a not-so-new book that tells the story of teenage Hitler’s unrequited crush on a girl named Stefanie Isak. To hear the Daily Mail tell it, Hitler was quite the beta simp, watching from a distance in fury as  alpha male army officers charmed (and won over) the young lass. Heartiste is driven to comment:

Hitler the bitterboy beta. Instead of learning from his alpha male betters, he lashed out at them, much the same way our modern manboobs lash out at alpha male “douchebags” and “players”.

Thanks for the mention, douchebag!

Anyhoo, so young Hitler wrote the girl poems, stalked her, contemplated kidnapping her, and considered a murder-suicide backup plan in case the kidnapping didn’t work out — you know, all your typical nice guy stuff. What he never did was talk to her.

Poor Hitler! That’s what “One-itis” can do to you!

Heartiste wonders what Hitler might have been able to accomplish if he’s been able to read the Chateau Heartiste blog on his early-20th century iPad.

As you can see, even maniacal dictators with dreams of world conquest can fall into the same horrible beta traps as your typical weepy 21st century brooding teen boy with xVideos tabbed for convenience. If only Hitler had the compiled wisdom of CH, he would remember the maxim that you do not reward a woman with your love until after she has rewarded you with her sex.

Yeah, I’m pretty sure you don’t need Heartiste or any misogynist douchebag to tell you it’s not a great idea to fall in love with a girl that you not only haven’t had sex with but whom you haven’t even spoken to.

But Heartiste is caught up in his own fantasies at this point:

[A] part of me feels not just pity, but even tender admiration, for young Hitler’s romantic idealism, so pure of thought and intention. This was a Hitler, however misguided, who denied a cynical world its tribute in parcels of his uncorrupted soul. How might things have turned out differently had a strong male presence — an alpha male mentor — shown him the way to fulfill his burning desire? Or at least told him to stop acting like a tool.

If only Hitler had known how to neg!

One of the stranger aspects of Hitler’s unrequited love affair is that the target of his obsessions had a Jewish last name. She wasn’t in fact Jewish, but (according to the Daily Mail account) Hitler didn’t know that at the time. The Daily Mail suggests that this could mean that his later anti-Semitism wasn’t genuine, but was instead cooked up for political reasons. (Yeah, fat chance.)

Heartiste has a different theory.

[P]erhaps … Hitler became the man he did when, as a young man in the grip of hot unrequited love, his Jewish princess “rejected” him for the charming alpha males Hitler despised. What followed from that irreparable wound to his heart was an act of id vengeance that would set fire to the world. Was WWI then, the revenge of a beta male scorned?

I believe you mean WWII. Do try to get your World Wars straight.

Chateau Heartiste has written that game can save the West. Disbelievers scoff. But if this outpost of sanity had been around during Hitler’s flowering youth to enlighten him about the nature of the fairer sex, the West might very well have been saved. Saved not just from war and genocide, but from every evil — cultural Marxism, feminism, equalism, and now racial self-annihilationism — that has come after.

I guess it’s not surprising, really, that Heartiste is egotistical enough to think that his blog could have prevented World War I, er II.

What is surprising is that Heartiste would have wanted to get in the way of Hitler’s campaign of hate and war. Heartiste, after all, is an increasingly open far-right racist, who in a recent post blamed American “emasculization” on the “[l]ack of a cleansing war.” (Really, because it seems to me that we ARE at war, and just got out of another war, and I don’t know if you saw this in the news or anything, but we’ve got some military strikes on Syria penciled in for later this week.) And if you go through Heartiste’s comments section you will certainly find plenty of people who don’t think Hitler needed any excuse to hate Jews — because they’re just so inherently hateable!

Hitler and Heartiste, two terrible tastes that taste disgusting together.

EDIT: Oh, by the way, the Blue Pill subreddit is totally on this whole Hitler as pickup artist thing. Here’s the original discussion, a spinoff discussion in r/badhistory, and a picture of PUA Hitler trying a little kino escalation (from here).


About David Futrelle

I run the blog We Hunted the Mammoth, which tracks (and mocks) online misogyny. My writing has appeared in a wide variety of places, including Salon, Time.com, the Washington Post, the New York Times Book Review and Money magazine. I like cats.

Posted on August 27, 2013, in a woman is always to blame, alpha males, anti-Semitism, beta males, crackpottery, creepy, evil fat fatties, evil sexy ladies, grandiosity, heartiste, irony alert, literal nazis, men who should not ever be with women ever, misogyny, nice guys, oppressed white men, princesses, PUA, racism, self-congratulation, sympathy for murderers and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 98 Comments.

  1. There are feminists who use “womyn” and “womon”, but it’s not about hating men, it’s just about men not being the default. I personally am okay with “women” and “woman”, but I understand the argument for “womyn”.

    I did personally know one feminist back in the late 80s who campaigned to replace words like disseminate with disovulate.

    She didn’t get very far, as most people considered her something of a crank.

  2. Oops, that last sentence should not be italicized. That’ll teach me to HTML without caffeine.

  3. Argenti: It’s a serious crime in Montana, too:

    http://leg.mt.gov/bills/mca/45/5/45-5-503.htm Short version: It should’ve been almost impossible for this scumbag to get off with less than 4 years in jail, and life in prison was a real possibility.

    The problem here isn’t the state, it’s the judge, who pretty much ignored the law to protect the poor, seduced adult man from facing the consequences of his actions. If the girl had been two years younger, the judge wouldn’t even have been able to do that–it would’ve been 25 years, bare minimum, no parole or reductions allowed.

    So, yeah, blame the piece of shit judge, not the state as a whole. Hopefully, they’ll have a way to unseat the unfit jurist.

  4. David Futrelle

    So basically this guy is saying that Hitler was bitter becouse girls didn’t like him. Okay, has heard of Eva Braun? I mean if all his genocidal hatred was simply because no girl wanted him, why didn’t having a girl friend actually change that?

    Not to mention the fact that I haven’t read Mein Kamph, but I doubt that Hitler sites his inability to hookup as a reason why “the genetically inferior” must die.

  5. Buttercup Q. Skullpants

    The Heartiste blog has now been around for several years. And yet Western civilization continues to steamroll over it on its merry way towards gender and racial equality. Feminism is still a thing. Dictators continue to exist.

    How does he explain that one to his followers?

  6. I haven’t been on that site in ages, but I swear I remember seeing commenters with Waffen SS avatars who spoke of Roissy with respect. I wonder how they’re reacting to this…

    I mean, apart from their disdain for Keynesian economics, isn’t the Alternative Right basically identical to Nazism in pretty much every field?

  7. Buttercup – easy, ‘cos ebil feminists stop all the proto-dictator-betas from reading it, so they won’t (the feminists) be forced to put out by the wonders of Game!

  8. Speaking as a casual history buff…


    I don’t even know where to begin. Aside from tying this guy up and forceing him to read actual history books.

  9. Sounds like a plan, Skybison!

  10. freemage — oh I wasn’t blaming the state, I just knew off the top of my head that that is Very Illegal here. That judge…yeah, fuck him.

    I started reading the OP to my mother and she’s staring at me — “Hitler. Pure of thought.”

    That about sums it up I’d say!

  11. A strong male presence? Well, my younger son is safe now; with two dads, he’ll have all the male presence he could possibly need. At the very least, he’ll grow up as less of a wowser than the OP’s author.

    Seriously though – the boy is fiercely intelligent and warped by the abuse of his first five years. I have told his therapist that my main goal as his father is to prevent him from growing up to be Lord Voldemort. When I read such bafflegab as the OP, I realize that there are villains in real life.

  12. @Kittyserf:

    This is just begging for a Downfall video parody.

    YES, YES, and YES – oh god, yes…

    I could imagine Hitler going into his rant after one of the generals come into the bunker’s war room and says something along the lines of “Stefanie Isak didn’t accept the box of chocolates or the poem, Fuhrer, She said she doesn’t even know who you are…”

  13. Stephen Fry wrote a novel called “Making History”, in which someone invents time travel and uses it to prevent Hitler from being born. WWII still happens, because one man alone doesn’t drive an entire nation to war and genocide. It’s a pretty good read, actually, especially if you’re into alternate history and/or m/m romance.

    As for “joos”, I’ve always seen it as a progressive parody of what bigots sound like (kind of like like “teh gays” and “wimmins”). Apparently Heartiste’s readers have reclaimed it.

  14. I can usually see the language arguments, but at the same time, I think it’s easy to overestimate the power of language over thought. Like, it’s important to point out that it does have some power over thought (which lots of people might not have realized, if they’ve never been into feminism, social justice etc), but I think that when people do point that out they tend to overestimate it.

    For instance, in Swedish, “man” is “man” (altough pronounced differently than in English) but “woman” is “kvinna”. Does that make Swedes more feminist? Maybe someone is tempted to say “yes”, and I do think that maybe the US overall is more sexist, or at least more blatantly sexist, than Sweden, but on the other hand… In Swedish, instead of the words “one” and “you” in sentences where they’re used about people in general rather than a specific person, we use “man”. I know lots of feminists who think it’s sexist that we have the same word for “man” as for “person in general in certain contexts”, so they replace “man” with “en” (which means “one” and is the normal way of speaking in a few local dialects). And… whatever, go ahead, but I doubt it makes much of a difference.

    So basically… Most people probably don’t realize that language do has some power over thought. But people who do realize this tend to overestimate how much power it has, and I think they do that out of wishful thinking. Like, language is really flexible, and one wishes power structures were as flexible.

  15. I probably should add that I think avoiding using a word which can be seen as a slur (or straight-out is a slur) when people ask you to is a different matter than “womyn” in English or “en” instead of “man” in Swedish.

  16. So, that judge? Petition to disrobe him — http://act.weareultraviolet.org/go/1066?t=3&akid=588.552343.3j0tgK

    Shall we spread that far and wide? I think we shall!

  17. emilygoddess:

    This is still my personal favorite time-travel Hitler-killing story:


  18. I guess that petition’s only for USians …😦

  19. @Freemage, I love that one! There’s also this comic:


  20. emilygoddess – LOL!

  21. Hi, long time Manboobz lurker and drawer of the PUA Hitler pic here; so chuffed to see my scratchings on this great blog, and glad to see people enjoyed it.🙂

  22. Quietuus, hi! Here’s your Official Welcome Package!

    Love your pic. That poor woman’s expression says it all.😀

  23. And now I’m trying to get caught up on Subnormality again. Archive trawls there take so… damn… long……

    Quietus: PUAH is truly a work of art. Excellent job.

  24. Thirding the admiration for the PUAH drawing. Hi, Quietuus!

  25. Quietuus, if you’re on DeviantArt, you should totally add that pic to our group.

  26. Emilygoddess – I shared that comic strip with my older son. His delighted chuckling warmed the cockles (and mussels) of my heart. It reminded me of the “are we the baddies? I mean, skulls on our helmets. . ” sketch.

  27. I did personally know one feminist back in the late 80s who campaigned to replace words like disseminate with disovulate.

    This makes me strange I’m sure, but I love the idea of using disovulate for the spreading of information in large bundles instead of short, continuous bursts…

  28. Oh gods. Thanks to that pic, I’ve got images in my brain of der Fuhrer trying terribad chat up lined on unsuspecting women.

    “Hey baby. Fancy ein Fuck?”
    “Vell vould you mind lying down vhile I have vun?”

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