Man Boobz’ Least Satisfied Customers: A Terrible Search Term Extravaganza

This picture may make one Man Boobz reader very happy.

This picture may make one Man Boobz reader happy.

Sometimes I like to take a look through the search terms that people use to get to Man Boobz. Doing that recently it occurred to me just how disappointed many of these searchers must be when they arrive here and find no answers to their questions, nothing to slake their curiosity.

I thought I’d collect together some reccent search terms from the people you might call Man Boobz’ Least Satisfied Customers.

Warning: This list is extremely NSFW, as people are filthy perverts. And some of them are also terrible.

Let’s begin this catalogue of disappointments:

do men like cunningulus
how do i meet a man online and he pay me money for some pussy
bitches in literature
big buff black dudes
how to ask homless girl for blow job
why are women sneaky
how do you put the makeup on darth vader
discusting womens
short video of man suck women pussy without formalities
handjobs in barbershop
american woman shitting
how to make my penis glow

Sorry, folks. I’ve got nothing for any of you. Nothing at all.

Sometimes the queries have a certain poetry to them. This one sounds like a message from a dirty-minded Numbers Station. Just imagine it repeated five times in succession by a woman of indeterminate natonality with a clipped, clear, efficient voice:

glasses blowjob wristwatch
glasses blowjob wristwatch
glasses blowjob wristwatch
glasses blowjob wristwatch
glasses blowjob wristwatch

Others are windows into minds that really need curtains on them:

funny picture progressive insurance flo not insuranceing a dick

Certain obsessions return again and again. Apparently there are lot of people out there interested in, and even quite worried about, the relative looseness of vaginas:

signs of loose vagina
virgina is cold loose
what will make men think the vagina is loose
do 35 year old women have looser vaginas
do guys like somewhat loose pussies

That last one is kind of sad. And I think I can actually offer a tiny bit of help: Yes, Virgina, guys like somewhat loose pussies. That is, amongst the rather large subset of guys who do like vaginas, “somewhat loose” vaginas are just fine. Really, the precise degree of  vaginal “looseness” matters about as much at the pointiness of your elbows. That is, not at all.

There are other queries about vaginas that I, alas, cannot help with:

hot babes stuffing chickpeas in their cunts
why do girls put sand in their vagina

But of course internet users are known to have a good deal of interest in vaginas overall. More unexpectedly, there is a similar degree of interest in, and confusion over, the lyrics to one famous 80s pop hit:

shes so fine she cant tell me where the money is
she’s so fine she can tell me where the money is

Of course the actual lyrics are:

She’s so fine, there’s no tellin’ where the money went

And they are, of course, from Robert Palmer’s “Simply Irresistable.”

But at least one person who knows the correct lyrics remains baffled by them:

what does she is so fine there’s no telling where the money went mean

I’m not quite sure why anyone would turn to Man Boobz for an answer to that question but allow me to set forth a hypothesis: The woman in question is so intoxicating, so “irresistable,” so “fine,” that the singer of the song has lost track of the amount of money that he has spent on her.

It’s not really a very feminist song, I guess, unless you interpret it as a sort of over-the-top sendup of old-fashioned dating mores.

Other queries are not so much real queries as observations. Did the people writing these think they were on Twitter?

i’ve met tyrese gibson and he’s not very tall

i find beta males attractive

I’m not quite sure what to make of the weird double negative here.

i don’t not believe these cosplay women really exist

This one kind of breaks my heart:

there has to be something about me that men dislike

Cheer up, girl! (Or not-girl, I don’t know.) You’re beautiful to us!

I only wish I knew the answers to the following two questions.

how did the amazing atheist become so popular

why would a man hate a women for no reason

But my favorite query of the whole bunch is this one:

photo of fat woman’s in pantaloons

Oh, I’ll do you one better, Mr “Photo of Fat Woman’s In Pantaloons.”

I give to you Photos — plural! — of Women Of Various Shapes and Sizes in Pantaloons. And even a few drawings to boot!

Exercise-in-Bloomers5538982_f5208A33FB94-155D-451F-6740A26E3E82E2A1bloomsteenscampers3b49127u600bloomers baseballlaverne on right in basketball bloomersline-of-bloomers

About David Futrelle

I run the blog We Hunted the Mammoth, which tracks (and mocks) online misogyny. My writing has appeared in a wide variety of places, including Salon,, the Washington Post, the New York Times Book Review and Money magazine. I like cats.

Posted on September 23, 2013, in beta males, creepy, disgusting women, evil women, men who should not ever be with women ever, misogyny, penises, that's completely wrong, the c-word, vaginas and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 167 Comments.

  1. People always try to give me their infants to hold, despite my protestations. Why? Why are you trusting me with this tiny human’s life? You don’t understand, I have no idea what I’m doing. Sometimes I walk directly into walls, okay?

  2. I walked into a train compartment door once, in Europe.

    In my defense, I had just spent all day riding over the Alps and the glass door had no frame or any frosting.

    Made a sound like the biggest bird to ever hit a window.

  3. Toddlers are easy. Talk to them like they’re normal people. Tell them your name, and ask for theirs. If they don’t get shy, ask if they know any good games. Be prepared to do something repetitive that makes you feel ridiculous.

    When they get whiny or too hopped-up with energy, time to hand them back to their parents!

  4. Oh, toddlers I love. It’s babies who I don’t know what to do with. Doesn’t talk, can’t really move around much – where’s the fun in that?

  5. From my experience, just holding them and looking at how tiny they are is kind of mind-blowing.

    If it’s not 2 a.m. and the other twin is howling for their own bottle.

    At this point, they’ve started moving around a bit and it’s going to get a lot more interesting. Also, I think the sheer number of hours spent taking care of them is going to go down soon.

    It’s silly — my babies aren’t actually developed enough to really put together cause and effect. So the result is, as one is playing with a doll or a rattle, they’ll hold it out at arm’s length (my boy likes to do this, and turn his plaything around, with a look of deep concentration on his face) and the other one reaches out and snatches it away. Then the first one gets confused because they don’t know where their thing went. Usually we can redirect with another toy before it gets to the screaming-tantrum phase.

  6. I have spent a fair portion of the last seven months being sat on, and my arthritic knee has registered several complaints.

    And when my right foot goes numb and feels fat, I know it’s time to find something else to do with the baby.

  7. Toddlers are easy. Talk to them like they’re normal people. Tell them your name, and ask for theirs.

    Maybe she was a little younger than a toddler? It was post-walking but pre-talking stage.

    I did wind up just awkwardly saying “Hi,”. I think she stared at me, but it was a gazillion years ago (okay, 1) so I can’t remember exactly.

    Now she can talk some, though.


    Sympathies on your arthritic knee.

  8. On parenthood,
    I really don’t want my own kids, and neither does my boyfriend, but we both love babies. We’re just secretly hoping that we become aunts/uncles.

  9. For auggz.

    It’s okay, hand ’em back when they’re cranky or stinky or squishy.

    @Fade: Thank you! It doesn’t hurt most of the time, but it doesn’t like stairs that much.

  10. Where that link was supposed to go —
    🙂 I iz magic!

  11. Falconer, the link gave me a 404.
    The nice thing about not having kids is that you can have extra money, so when my sister or his brother need us to babysit, we can have more of a “vacation” day, like theme parks or whatever.

  12. Oh thanks Argenti! SO ADORABLE..

  13. I borked the link.

    I borked the link.

    I borked the link.



  14. How do you do this? I’d like to try this with my own site.

  15. Go to your dashboard and it’s on the Site Stats page.

  16. Decent first search term effort. Try incorporating horses into a post somehow. Or donkeys, pigs. Any animal really. It will bear fruit.

  17. What I’m more curious about is which articles these searches linked to?

  18. how to ask a homeless girl for a blowjob” has refreshed my hatred of the trustafarian/yuppie/gentrifiers that infest this city. Not that it really needed refreshing.
    Mine’s filled with crustfund punks who are constantly asking me for my left overs. They don’t understand how seriously I take my left overs, and that I probably have less money than what their parents give them for food, and this is my special treat (ugh).

    After moving to a city that actually has homeless people in it, I wonder how many of the men MRA’s cite as homeless include these jerk kids who are homeless by choice because it seems for every person who is clearly unable to work there are entire groups of punks who are train hopping or whatever it is they do these days. There are entire tumblrs dedicated to that as a “lifestyle choice,” complete with iphone photos documenting it. They romanticize it and it’s really disgusting.

    The farther away I get from my youth in the punk/emo subculture, the more I hate everything associated with it. I realize it’s the same patriarchal system being enforced by guys who couldn’t play football. I’m reading up a lot on anarchist accountability processes where they completely let rapists off the hook. It sickens me.

  19. My first major block quotes fail!

  20. The blockquote monster spares no one. NO ONE.

  21. And it’s been particularly rampageous today.

  22. I’m reading up a lot on anarchist accountability processes where they completely let rapists off the hook.

    Really? That is terrible.

  23. Not fat enough.

    I mean uh, HAHA who could that guy have been!?

  24. Looks like the “ha ha, you’re FAT” guys have become so lazy that they’re not even bothering to embed their tired fat jokes into any sort of coherent sentence. I guess you’re just supposed to see the word “fat” and extrapolate from there.

  25. @Viscaria:

    I think he was actually playing off this line from the OP:

    photo of fat woman’s in pantaloons

    So the joke is that he is that searcher, and doesn’t think he got his search’s worth there, but then quickly turns around and goes ‘wait, I’m not that guy, who could that be, ha-ha?’

    Like a sitcom moment.

  26. One of my favorite stories about a plant that did actually read the badges was about a couple of employees who were called in to trace where they had been, because their films were fogged.

    Lots of analysis of their days… the only thing in common took a while to parse; they each owned a bright yellow Fiesta Ware bowl, which had been glazed with an ore that had faint traces of Uranium in it. It’s what they put their keys and badges in when they got home.

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