“Whilst my canteen of a d*ck wast roaming her cavern” and other bon mots from the worst short story ever written


I think I may have discovered the worst piece of short fiction ever written. It’s on a manosphere/pickup-artist blog called Colonel Crimson (slogan: “The Colonel of Truth”).

Here’s how it starts:

So I’m in bed with a dime and she says to me, “Willis, what are your goals in life?”

“Simple, Adime,” I respond with my larynx. “To explore the caverns of dimes throughout the world.”

And it only gets worse from there. I would quote the worst bits, but then I’d have to quote the whole thing. Pretty much everything is a worst bit.

There’s some domestic violence, some utterly horrifying descriptions of sex, a lot of mansplaining, and even a sammich joke. There’s an element of self-parody to it — or at least I hope that’s what I’m seeing there — but the author seems to actually believe all the things he’s gently satirizing. You should of course go and read the whole thing immediately.

If you’re hesitating, here’s another sample:

I remind her of her last gentleman suitor. Average height, median weight. Put the schlub in the word schlub. “Do you remember when he strapped on his kneepads and proposed marriage to you?”

“Unfortunately I do.”

“And do you have any recollection of how the beaver felt in that moment?”


Oh, and in case you were wondering, a “dime” is a Hot Babe 10. Either that or the dude is having hallucinations about talking currency.

About David Futrelle

I run the blog We Hunted the Mammoth, which tracks (and mocks) online misogyny. My writing has appeared in a wide variety of places, including Salon, Time.com, the Washington Post, the New York Times Book Review and Money magazine. I like cats.

Posted on December 21, 2013, in alpha males, beta males, domestic violence, grandiosity, mansplaining, men who should not ever be with women ever, misogyny, penises, precious bodily fluids, PUA, red pill and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 157 Comments.

  1. “What insanity has crawled from the formless depths of the unknowable regions and whispered this gibbering lunacy into the deepest regions of my most primal mind?”

    Argenti, *sigh* the timer needs to be restarted again,

  2. We have a Timer of the Old Ones Keening?

  3. @cynickal


    Lovecraft is no excuse for ableist slurs.

    Are you taking the piss?

    If not, no, just no. Also, read the threads!

    So fucking sick of this shit! I do not want to be the person who lectures people on the internet, it’s Christmas for fucks sake!

  4. I’m all for calling out people who go “MRA:s must be mentally ill, no sane person would write such stuff” (also, it’s personal to me, since I’m mentally ill myself). BUT I thought Cynick’s Lovecraft parody was fine. I didn’t see it as making the point that “MRA:s must be mentally ill, no sane person would write such stuff”, but rather as comparing them to some kind of “nameless horror” from the Lovecraft universe. I’m fine by that.

    Granted, I’m just one person and can’t decide for everyone what they’re gonna be offended by… Also I don’t really know Cynick’s posting history and whether zie has written ableist stuff before?

  5. I’m torn because, as Dvärghundspossen points out, Lovecraftian cosmic horror drives people to madness and I love me some HPL, but it would be pretty neat for one day to go by without people having to address ableist language.

  6. I’ve written exactly the same sort of stuff on this blog without comment other than “Hah, Fib!”.

    (“Slithering, gibbering parochialism lying in wait behind the words like some incipient spore of elder madness springing forth to subsume and consume the minds of the reader” comes to mind)

    I also don’t see the abliest slur in question (Is it Mad Arab? That’s his title. Like the Red Baron?).

    Granted, I could be a total spitballing ignoramus with no capacity to see things right in front of me, so I’m hardly the best witness here – but I do think there’s a clear difference between calling someone crazy as a putdown trying to slide them into a “If you’re mentally unwell, you are less of a person, and wrong!” and insinuating that MRA logic bears a striking resemblence to the mad gibbering of a cosmos bereft of meaning and direction and guided only tbe blind, trashing Eldest God at the heart of the universe that exists only to destroy and create in a spiral of antipathy towards every human sentiment.

    … Happy Holidays.

  7. Yeah, I’m restarting the timer, since we’re having this discussion again, but ableist or not, we made it just over 24 hours, so no one owes me a unicorn.

    A citation might’ve been nice though.

    Ophelia — I found this working on the Borg 101 pages — http://wingsandtails.tumblr.com/post/14163388508/tw-ableism-ableist-slurs-conflating-violence-with — it’s been added to the Welcome Package as a stock response to ableism since yeah, we’re all sick of it, or at least getting there.

    Hmm…maybe this one owes me a horse? We did go just over 24 hours, and it is a quote, but we have no gone much more than a day without having this discussion again. I’m gonna collect a horse. My herd is now two unicorns and a horse.

    In other animal things, the cat decided to sit on a flowerpot holding just soil (long story), in front of the fish tanks. Well she couldn’t reach the 55g, and after a quick look decided the 30g was empty (she’d already had a sad over the terrarium not having fishies in it). Puff, not being the skittish sort, came to check her out. So she’s got her neck craned to watch the 55g while puff is like 6″ from her head moving in a manner that had me chuckling that you can’t attack her silly! (Since she’d gotten him in hunter mode, I gave him a snail to hunt) I actually think they could make friends, once she notices him. She can’t actually get in the tank, and he seems to have no real sense of fear, he’ll back up for a bit, but always comes back to continue his investigation.

    The 2 month old cories are getting so big, and the week old ones are getting big enough to easily spot, but still look more like tadpoles than fish, so cute!

    /OT cute

  8. Fibi — “gibbering lunacy”. Mad, in the angry sense, certainly describes MRAs!

  9. I’m starting to wonder if refusing to admit that it really is possible for people to be as hateful as MRAs without there being any medical explanation is a form of magical thinking. Maybe people find it comforting to refuse to admit that some folks really are that hateful, just because.

  10. The feeling of moral superiority that comes with outrage is addictive.

  11. Cassandra — it’s the simple “they aren’t normal, because I am and I could never do that”

    In other things…my FB feed of cute kids and holiday wishes also includes this…

    Trigger warning, suicide, fatal child abuse


    If the MRM defends this…

  12. I am in no way criticising Lovecraft’s writing, I was criticising the way his style was applied.

    This text was specifically aimed at the PUAs writing in this blog post (unless I’ve missed something,)

    In that context when it talks about “what insanity has crawled from the formless depths” and “this gibbering lunacy” it is referring to the PUA and what they wrote, this is no different to saying “PUAs be crazy!”

  13. Oh.

    That makes sense, thanks.

  14. I read the faux-Lovecraft comment as the PUA prose being so terrible it drove cynickal to madness, not cynickal saying that the PUAs are crazy.

    In terms of terribleness, I agree with Argenti, the cockrub warriors stories are far more hideous than this. This made me roll my eyes, but no brains were melted in the process of reading it.

  15. You mean you agree with LBT, he said that, not me. But yes, he’s right.

  16. Argenti,

    John Oliver at 9:46 AM December 23, 2013
    Why do I have a feeling this is going to turn out to be a result of a Family Court hearing… “Which respondent has a vagina? That one gets custody. Which one has a penis? That’s the one who writes the checks.”

    (Has 3/2 votes)


    As far as the ableism, I’ll let that one pass. I didn’t realize it was a lovecraft parody.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 17,151 other followers

%d bloggers like this: