Return of Kings: Beware the insidious danger of the short-haired girl!

Hideous short-haired monster JEan Seberg poses with adorable mouse.

Hideous short-haired monster Jean Seberg poses with adorable mouse.

Having previously taken on such dire threats to Western Civilization as “fat girls,” “manginas,” and “rape tourettes,” the pickup-artists-cum-worldly-philosophers over at Roosh Valizadeh’s Return of Kings blog have decided to take on an even more insidious danger: Women — sorry, girls — with short hair.

In an alarming expose, guest blogger Tuthmosis reveals the shocking tuth, er, truth:

No woman in all of human history has ever looked better with short hair than she would with a head full of healthy locks.

So why are so many women choosing to cut off the long hair that men so universally admire (allegedly)? Tuthmosis has a few theories. One is that other women are convincing them to do it so that they can have all the short-hair-hating men to themselves. Yep. It’s hair sabatoge!

Women are quick to encourage other women to cut their hair by telling them how “cute” it is. While I’m no scientist, I’m convinced this is some deep, genetic programming at work, one that forces women—who compete with one another on a physical level on a daily basis—to encourage any behavior that might eliminate competitors in the dating pool.

And straight men contribute to this sorry state of affairs, too. Well, “cowardly and deluded men” anyway, according to Tuthy — though why exactly being “cowardly and deluded” would cause men to encourage women to cut their hair is never quite explained.

Tuthy also blames gay men, who apparently have the power to sway the minds of women en masse.

The plaudits a Miley Cyrus, Rihanna, or Anne Hathaway receive when they cut their hair off—from people who have no business commenting on the attractiveness of women, like gay men—creates a copycat cycle that increases the trend geometrically.

So what exactly is the problem with short hair? Don’t get Tuthy started on that!

Seriously, don’t get him started, because what he says makes no fucking sense.

The truth of the matter is that long hair’s almost universally attractive to men, when they’re actually speaking honestly (without trying to appease women in the room). Furthermore, it’s a symbol of youth, femininity, and health. Why can’t old women grow long hair? Because it’s an ephemeral trait of your fertile years.


Women instinctively know this, which is why every American girl who cuts, and keeps, her hair short often does it for ulterior reasons. Short hair is a political statement.

A political statement of what? A political statement that she won’t put up with assholes like you?

And, invariably, a girl who has gone through with a short cut—and is pleased with the changes in her reception—is damaged in some significant way. Short hair is a near-guarantee that a girl will be more abrasive, more masculine, and more deranged.

Ah, ok. So it does mean that she won’t put up with assholes like you.

I’d developed that belief on years of platonic interactions alone. The bitchiest work colleagues, the most difficult cashier, the most confrontational, aggressive cunts in bars have all shared one trait—short-ass hair.

Yep, it definitely means that.

Tuthy then relates the horrors he faced during his own brief experiences dating women with short hair.

One had rape fantasies and used four-letter words! (These are your complaints? The guy who runs the blog you’re posting on is an actual admitted rapist, and you yourself just used the word “cunt.”)

Another used racial slurs and later got an unflattering “soccer mom” haircut! (Racial slurs? I mean, that’s a dealbreaker for me, but you’re writing for a blog that’s crawling with out-and-proud racists. Aren’t racial slurs right up your alley?)

Yet another jerked him off while texting! (You’re not going to at least give her credit for her manual dexterity?)

He concludes with this:

Not only is short-hair unattractive, it’s one of the biggest signals a man can get that a woman is damaged beyond repair.

In other words, short hair on women appears to repel a certain kind of asshole. Make use of that information as you wish.

EDITED TO ADD: Oh dear. Apparently Tuthy’s dumb post was so dumb and offensive it managed to “go viral”” and generate a ton of hate-traffic for Return of Kings. Roosh, naturally, has decided to try to fan the flames with a “publisher’s note” reiterating Tuthy’s, er, “argument” and helpfully revealing to his new readers what a shithead he is.

Here are some quotes, along with some photos to remind us just who it is who is lecturing women about their hairstyles.


Sadly, the women who are blasting us right now with vulgar speech and masculine manner are treading the line of self-mutilation with their pixie cuts. If you know a girl who has voluntarily chopped off such a reliable indicator of female beauty and fertility, nothing short of an intervention with all family and friends is necessary to force the victim to grow her hair back out.




I part now with a message of hope. Women: unless you have a smushed pig face, your attractiveness increases at least 6% for every inch your hair passes your shoulders. Don’t listen to people who are trying to sabotage your beauty by encouraging you to adopt a lesbian haircut.




We are the only ones who will be brutally honest with you. We are not shy to state where objective female beauty comes from, unlike the saboteurs in your life who are just trying to make it harder for you to find a good husband.




And for those of you especially sick women who think that you are going to punish us by cutting your hair, you’re only punishing yourself. Being lonely and having to settle for a brood of cats is not a good life for a woman, but that’s what will happen if you keep your hair short.





About David Futrelle

I run the blog We Hunted the Mammoth, which tracks (and mocks) online misogyny. My writing has appeared in a wide variety of places, including Salon,, the Washington Post, the New York Times Book Review and Money magazine. I like cats.

Posted on January 23, 2014, in attention seeking, douchebaggery, evil fat fatties, evil sexy ladies, evil short-haired women, gender policing, homophobia, men who should not ever be with women ever, misogyny, PUA, racism, rape, reactionary bullshit, red pill, rhymes with roosh, the c-word and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 469 Comments.

  1. Scene: Lower middle class suburban living room, late 1960s

    Young Me, Flipping through a photo album.

    Tight shot, over shoulder, a yellowing photograph. Two young women in flapper dresses, laughing. One is sitting in the driver’s seat of a car, the other stands , one foot on the running board. Both have bobbed hair and are smoking from long stemmed cigarette holders.

    YM: Hey, who is this?

    White Haired Elderly Relative: Oh, land sakes*, look at us. We thought we were so naughty, with our bobbed hair and our flasks-

    YM: Flasks?

    WHER: Going dancing almost every night-

    YM: Flasks?

    WHER: Out ’til all hours. I’m sorry what did you say?

    YM: Flasks? Flasks of what?

    WHER: You children always think you invented getting up to no good.

    * Yes, she really did talk like that.

  2. LOL all the signs of a totally cool dude and PUA guru! Makes you wonder just how gullible/willfully stupid his customers must be. Not that there can be too many of them, since he’s not exactly living the high life.

    And it’s about to get even lower. Sunlight is the best disinfectant…and it also sends moths and cockroaches scurrying!

  3. Flasks? Flasks of what?

    >whispers< Bathtub gin.

  4. LOL all the signs of a…PUA guru!

    Sadly, that’s probably true. I suspect a lot of these guys are armchair PUAs.

  5. Bina- Or straight up, real booze brought in from Canada,as I suspect the picture was taken while she lived in Chicago.

  6. I found a couple of Tumblr posts about “Frozen” that I’m having a bit of a train-wreck reaction to. They’re not really rage-inducing for me because they’re just so out there. But the second one makes it clear that long hair is also “androgynous” as long as it’s in an updo, so I guess I’m safe, seeing as how my Disney-princess-length hair is usually up whenever I leave the house. (If you’re growing your hair to donate, or just trying to keep it as long and split-end-free as possible, keeping it up will help protect it from damage. And I find it’s much less work to detangle that way, too. But a lot of it for me is just that it’s too much of a pain when it’s down.) The writer isn’t exactly a [fe]MRA as far as I know (I don’t think she’d fit in–too much celebration of femininity)–but I doubt the MRAs/PUAs feel any different. (For reference, Elsa’s super-butch hairstyle is shown here and here (far right).)

    Indeed, via Elsa’s change in attire during the film – from the more androgynous hairstyle and confined garb of her initial appearance, to her subsequently more classically feminine, princess-like ice dress – the film provides a metaphor for any woman who has tortured herself into a career role (the kind that women in modern society are often pressured into adopting, in which they often diminish their feminine natures and take on androgynous, masculinized personae), then triumphantly eschews that modern role, lets down her hair, and embraces her soft, feminine side.

    She seems to have a real… thing… about women being feminine. (I think the writer’s female, but I don’t know for sure.) The sort of pedestalizing of delicate femininity and damsels in distress she’s doing in these two pieces are things that I think of as very Victorian, but apparently she’s outdoing the Victorians, because IIRC the Victorians also tended to idealize Queen Victoria, but apparently even the non-physical sort of power of a queen is too much for her:

    Likewise, by making her a queen, Disney satisfies Leftist demands for a “woman in power,” yet Elsa’s “power” as a monarch is never presented in the film. The film deftly appropriates the traditionalist aesthetics of monarchy without showing Elsa involved in the “tough” side of actually governing.

    Elsa is never presented in an executive role, never shown legislating. Indeed, her rulership is sidelined immediately after her coronation.

    I read the first linked post before the 2nd, so it was weird to read it and find myself agreeing with a lot of the stuff about which scenes are well-animated and such, and slowly realizing that something was very strange (and not in a good way) about this person.

  7. Oh boy, that reminds me of a MRA Christian who said Tangled and most Disney princess films were immoral because they taught women to disobey their fathers and be independent.

  8. A rehash of the Snow Queen fairy story is supposed to show a ruler’s administrative work? What did they want, a shot of Elsa sitting at her desk going through piles of ministerial reports, petitions, committee findings, letters from ambassadors, relatives, and dictating responses to them all?

    Being an absolute monarch is a FUCKING BORING DESK JOB a lot of the time and has really shit hours.

    I can just see Disney getting into that.

  9. scarlettpipstrelle: That’s an interesting link; thanks for sharing!
    I could no more imaging myself wearing a long, trailing skirt in 1927 when all the world was wearing short skirts than I could wear long, trailing tresses when all the world (or nearly all of it) had wisely come to the conclusion that bobbed hair was more youthful, more chic, and, if I may say so, much more sanitary.


    Looks like Mary Pickford did eventually bob her hair, according to Wikipedia.

  10. Dunno about more sanitary, but it’d certainly be easier to wash short hair if one had to do it over the bath or sink, rather than with a shower (how many homes had showers in the 20s? Plenty of homes still didn’t have running water (hell, even some mansions were short on plumbing!)

  11. Hmm, a parenthesis and a half!😀

  12. No, no, kittehserf, they were GLAD it didn’t show a woman exercising “masculine” power by doing the “tough” stuff of actually ruling.

  13. Short hair is a bit more sanitary probably, just because there’s a lot less hair for bacteria to cling on. Also hair gets in things.

  14. No, no, kittehserf, they were GLAD it didn’t show a woman exercising “masculine” power by doing the “tough” stuff of actually ruling.

    ::rolls eyes:: I shoulda known!

  15. I think with long hair, even when down, long pieces of hair are more likely to cling to the other hair and less likely to fall out and into the soup–and back at the time the article was written, I think women with long hair usually kept it pinned up. I’ve found a longish piece of hair in my food maybe once? (Longer than bob-length hair, still not ultralong.) I’ve found short hair in my food a lot more often. With home-cooked food I’ve most often found pet hair, actually, even though the pets aren’t involved in making the food or allowed on the counter. I suspect the most common mechanism is for everything to get a little bit of pet hair on it when it’s washed together, including the kitchen towels…

    If you have your hair down while cooking and it’s positioned wrong I supposed you could dip the ends of your hair in the food, though.

  16. I have to admit, I have long hair and it does get in sink drains, and in my food sometimes. When I brush it sometimes small pieces break off. Sometimes it even falls INTO my food! Or crumbs get all tangled in it like a beard.

  17. I have longish hair and it gets everywhere. I’ve even found a strand of it in the fridge. But it grows, and thus falls out, very quickly – about a centimetre a month. Plus, it’s black and fairly strong, so it’s very visible. My mother has short white hair, and it turns up all over as well, if you can see it.

  18. Then of course there’s the ultimate hair for getting into things – cat hair!

  19. This is gross, but is a lot easier to pick nits and lice out of short hair. Maybe that’s what was meant by “more sanitary?”

  20. Yeah I’ve dipped mine in everything from soup to ketchup (which is surprisingly hard to get out without resorting to washing all my hair, something I don’t do more than every couple of days because it turns into a giant static ball otherwise). And in my mouth while eating — go to pull the hair out thinking one got loose and into the food only to realize it’s attached and covered in food. Yum.

    I can see shorter hair being easier to keep clean if running water is in short supply, some things just do NOT wipe out!

  21. Mum would freak out if she read this conversation. She really, really hates hair getting in food (human hair, that is – kitty hair doesn’t get the same reaction). She’d nearly gag if an ad for one of Nigella Lawson’s shows came on, with all that long hair flopping around.

  22. I think longish hair is probably the worst for getting into things. It’s easier for it to swing around from in back of you to in front of you without your meaning it to. Waist-length-or-longer hair is in some ways easier to deal with, though if it’s down, especially if it’s not in a braid, it gets caught on things a lot (e.g. the screws holding school chairs together–hard chairs are femmephobia!), in part because there are few enough people with that hair length that things aren’t built around that particular hazard.

    I thought of the nits/lice thing, then though, “No, a bob wouldn’t be short enough to make a difference, you’d pretty much have to shave it”, but I was thinking of it in terms of lice being able to cling to the hair at all, rather than in terms of picking them out. I think kittehserf and Argenti right the lack of running water is probably a lot of the reason. And it probably depends on your job somewhat; I’m not really prone to getting things into my hair.

  23. I sail. Long hair on a boat – bloody nuisance. Permanently blown across your face & blocking your view. Before I got the short-hair cut, had to go with a single plait combined with a bandana to keep the fringe out of my eyes. Neither comfortable nor flattering.

  24. They used to shave women’s heads in the concentration camps under the pretext of de-lousing, but since typhus-carrying body lice still abounded in the straw bedding, that was probably a lost cause. The men got their heads shaved too, but I think the ultimate intent was to traumatize the prisoners, especially the women, by disfiguring them and essentially saying, “We are in control. Not even your hair is your own.”

  25. OMG I just found pictures of myself when I had dreds. I looked super cute, but I hated those things. So much work to care for! I ended up washing them out with an entire bottle of conditioner after only a few months. Never again. But they were so cute!!!

    Are dreds misandry?

  26. Bina – I think they also sold the hair for wigs in the camps, didn’t they?

    closetpuritan, you’re right, longish hair gets everywhere. Min’s a bit past shoulder length and layered, and it’s forever flicking into my face (I’ll pay that price though, lol).

    Hair caught in chair screws OW OW OW

  27. fromafar – women’s hair is always misandry. Short hair, well, tuthy told everyone that means a woman’s deranged/damaged/something. Long hair is just leading men on and tempting them with our FERTILITY (because old women totes don’t have long hair) and it’s even worse if we don’t fuck them the moment they get a twitch of the boner.

  28. Bina – I think they also sold the hair for wigs in the camps, didn’t they?


  29. Oh, gods, my skin’s crawling after reading that.

  30. I know this thread’s old now, but I had to say,

    @oraclenine, I loved that image:

    Scene: Lower middle class suburban living room, late 1960s

    Young Me, Flipping through a photo album.

    Tight shot, over shoulder, a yellowing photograph. Two young women in flapper dresses, laughing. One is sitting in the driver’s seat of a car, the other stands , one foot on the running board. Both have bobbed hair and are smoking from long stemmed cigarette holders.

    YM: Hey, who is this?

    White Haired Elderly Relative: Oh, land sakes*, look at us. We thought we were so naughty, with our bobbed hair and our flasks-

    YM: Flasks?

    WHER: Going dancing almost every night-

    YM: Flasks?

    WHER: Out ’til all hours. I’m sorry what did you say?

    YM: Flasks? Flasks of what?

    WHER: You children always think you invented getting up to no good.

    * Yes, she really did talk like that.

    And now I’m going back to my ‘Jeeves and Wooster’, in which Wodehouse just described a man as looking like:

    “A sheep with a secret sorrow.”

    (Following on from an old conversation, if anybody remembers. I hate Hugh Laurie as House, he’s awesome in Blackadder, but I LOVE him as Bertie Wooster.)

  31. I’ve only seen snippets of Blackadder but I love the scene in the WWI series where Baldrick’s reciting his poetry – BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM – and Hugh Laurie’s character is entranced while Blackadder’s nearly pulling his hair out.

    (I also love that Tony Robinson is now Sir Tony. If only that had happened while Time Team was still in production … I’d love to have heard the ribbing he’d have got.)

  32. Sorry, I know I said I’d post no more videos for a while, but this, I couldn’t resist:

  33. Stop apologisin’ for posting videos, they’re good!

    Hey, didja get my email last night?

    ::thinks “I’m sure I sent it … um …”::

  34. Ooo, ooo, lovely knitting. Fibi emailed me too, had a hell of a day and hadn’t checked my email.

    How do you knit like that, making it up as you go along? Beautiful pic by the way, and Fribs is called Freya really? I did not know that. Loverly name.

    And that comment is just a string of words, hopefully you get my meaning.

    Love to Louis.🙂

  35. Yes I do get it, Miss String o’ Words! (Call it stream of consciousness, it sounds fancier.)

    I started out intending to do the same shape as the Aston jacket – the triangular shape. But I got the number of stitches wrong, or was reducing it too fast, or something, so just went straight up the sides instead. I did work out how many cables I’d need to put in, that wasn’t hard – y’know, six-stitch cable and twelve stitches between them – and the reducing bits at the edges just eat into that. Doing the front was trickier, I had to figure out how it’d measure sideways, but it worked out all right. The upper back’s all in rib, so there was no extra cable stuff to worry about there. The sleeves are straight, it was just knitting till it was long enough then counting how many stitches that was.

    Yup, Freya is Fribbie’s real name! She hardly ever gets called that, though, same as Maddie Mads is seldom Madeleine and Katie was seldom Caitlin. Most of our kitties have strings of nicknames – Mamie had fifty!

    Speaking of Fribs and Katie, it’s eighteen years today since we bought the pair of them as unbearably cute kittens, and it’s five years today since Katie crossed over. She’s deigned to visit here today, she’s in Louis’s lap. She’s got him pinned down and isn’t going anywhere.😀

  36. @Kitteh,

    Aw, so cute. Can’t believe our Willow is 15 and, after our scare with her at Christmas, she’s still with us (and begging Mr M for cake as we speak). It goes so fast. Your knitting is fab.

    Bit worried about talking to you on MB now, which is a shame, as some people seem to think things are a bit cliquish here. Think I’m gonna give MB a bit of a break for a while, my psych’s given me OCD homework that I really need to focus on, no stress. I’m so sorry for jumping ship, when I’m feeling a bit less stressed I’ll be back with many, many videos.

    It just feels like some people are saying ‘there wouldn’t be a problem with ableism if you mental people quit complaining about it.’

    It’s just getting a bit horrible, and I’m fed up of it. I will make sure I email you lots of funny pics though.

    Sorry for not being able to deal with it.
    Hugs. xxx

  37. No probs, hon! Drop me an email whenever you want.

    I’m getting sick of the “it’s so cliquish/language police!” waffle going on here, too, but that’s just a rolling-my-eyes thing, it’s not one that hurts me, so different level (does that make sense?)

    Hmm, demanding cake, eh? There is no end to kitties’ needs and wants (same thing, really). ::shakes head::

  38. @Kitteh, thanks luv, sorry for the flounce, just need to concentrate on my stuff for a bit. Oh, and sorry about your camera, what a pain! I’ll email you soon,
    Love to Louis. x

  39. Miley Cyrus, Rihanna, and Anne Hathaway! Hideous, hideous, HIDEOUS women!

  40. He still looks better than you FATTROLL!!!!

  41. Wow. Fat girls do not deserve love. I suppose, though, that fat men do?

    This, alone, shows the shallow and inane reality behind the facade. Just to set the record straight, I have always been a fat girl. And I have had the pleasure and deep happiness of being loved by my husband for 42 years.

    People come in all shapes and sizes. I find it FASCINATING that men like that really believe that men can come in all sizes and be deserving of love, but the ladies had better eat nothing but salads if we want love. Hypocritical idiots.

  42. Wow, again…Well, dude, I am 63 and have hair down to my waist. Gosh – long-haired, fat, no longer fertile…and my husband still loves me. My handsome, green-eyed, musician husband. The one who writes and sings wonderful songs and who has women come up to him, telling him how great he is.

    And he loves me. Neener, neener, neener.

  43. ::high fives Samantha::

  44. ::high fives Samantha::

    High fives kittehserf right back.

    Oh, Balarick found this WONDERFUL video on youtube:

    MRM = Multiple Ranting Misogynists!

    Really. Everyone go there and like it. This guy is brilliant!

  45. So laughable that he shows two photos of Audrey Hepburn. Long or short hair, she was the most beautiful woman around. Neither incarnation would have liked this idiot.

  46. tragedy of “lost feminism” as brought about by shingled hair.
    “In a day we shall no live to see,” he writes, “women will no longer be beautiful. They habe set themselves to annihilate those features which differentiate them from men, and femininity is fading into a fragile masculinity. “The present craze for the suppression of the chief feminine charm dates back, of course, to the suffragette movement. Women who clamoured for equal privileges with men were always sub-conscious of the clash between their physical beauty and their mental ideals. They stamped their feet in their bedrooms with rage over their prettiness, dragged on forbidding closthes, and flung themselves about the world in the most unwomanly attitudes. But always and always there was upon their head a crown, and this crown marked them to men as objects for tenderness and reverence. This crowning glory. Curses upon it! There was only one thing for it, the scossors. Still, when the scissors done their fell work, and the pioneer men-women went abroad, few of us thought that they would have many imitators. “The next stage of women’s war on the hair arrived in battle time, uniform. the women who used the scissors then undoubtedly were inspired by practical motives. They bobbed their hair because for war work such a fashion was the solution of many problems, time-saving,

  47. How on earth did that dude cope with the fact that men have had long hair through so many periods of history and so many cultures? Hair the only physical difference between men and women? ROFL no.

  48. EXACTLY! As if you can only tell who is who by hairstyle, or colour of cothing or something. Reckon this fella had a thing about hair.

    PS Does this link work?

  49. This is so ridiculous. I wear my hair short since I was 16 because it actually looks much better on me! My hair is very thin, so it looks weird when they’re long. I was blessed with a pretty neck and ears (or so I heard), so why would I hide them with my hair?

    I’m OK with long-haired women if long hair is their choice. I just feel ugly when my hair is long, and feeling ugly to please someone is never a good idea.

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