The Door Pattern: Creepiest bit of Pickup Artist bullshit ever?

The Only Pua you want near your door. Seriously, “Pua” is the name of the anteater. Google it if you don’t believe me.

So there’s an old school type of Pickup Artistry called Speed Seduction in which, instead of simply trying to manipulate the ladies into bed, our would-be seducers try to literally hypnotize their prey by repeating prefabricated “patterns” that supposedly work on people’s subconscious minds without them realizing it. The whole thing is based on something called Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), which most scientists seem to think is quackery. Most of the pickup techniques inspired by NLP are beyond ridiculous.

One NLP-inspired PUA “pattern,” for example, involves using the phrase “below me” when talking to the Hot Babes. Since “below me” sounds vaguely like “blow me,” you see, the Hot Babe you’re talking to will be subconsciously primed to want to give you a blow job. And no, I’m not making this up.

The creepiest PUA “pattern” I’ve run across so far is something called the “Door Pattern,” invented by some dude named Alex Domnikov, and recently brought to my attention by Mike Booth, the guy behind the hilarious Some Grey Bloke videos on Youtube.

One PUA has described the Door Pattern as “the “bad boy” of all patterns. … evil and cruel, playing on the fears and deep insecurities of women.”

Essentially, the idea behind this little routine is to manipulate any Hot Babe you’ve somehow convinced to sleep with you into desperately worrying that you’ll abandon her. Why she would consider this a bad thing, I’m not sure, as PUAs are not known for being especially sensitive lovers. But we’ll just suspend our disbelief and continue.

[TRIGGER WARNING for emotional abuse in what follows]

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So how does this dastardly Door Pattern work? Well, after you’ve had sex with a woman, and she’s feeling all glowy, you point to the door and ask her “sweetheart, what’s that over there?”

And she’ll say, “well you know, that’s a door, silly.” And you say, “yeah, you know.. I’m a real positive person, but.. I mean, can you imagine.. I mean, you don’t know what can happen from day to day, when you think about it in your mind. I mean, what would happen if I walked out that door and the door closed and as the door closed, it slammed shut, and no matter what you did, you could not open the door and you knew that you would never be able to look into my eyes again and you’d never be able to hear my voice again and you’d never be able to feel my touch again.” Ok, right here is where she starts going, “I don’t like this door business at all.”

So you reassure her a little, and then it’s back to the “door business” again:

Have some more fun with her, bring her to another orgasm or whatever and say, “you know, a terrible thing happened the other day. My friend was hit by a truck. I mean, it was awful, by the time they got him to hospital he was dead. I can’t believe it, you know? It’s almost as if, it would be a horrible thing you know when you think about..” (point towards the door) “..that no matter even if you were to get that door opened and you were to search, that you could never find me again..” Then she starts freaking out. You calibrate more on that part of, “you will never be able to see me again, you’ll never be able to hear my voice again.”

Repeat as necessary, and pretty soon any time she starts to get uppity, all you have to do is point to a door, and – ta da! – no more “bullshit” from her!

Having anchored that sense of loss and pain to the door, you can trigger it whenever needed. Whatever negative behavior may come up that you want to stop, the first time you just get up and slam the door. Whether you walk out the door depends on the level of bullshit. On later occasions you can just indicate tbe door in some manner. The example Alex gives: If he’s talking on the phone and getting any crap from her, and he knows the relation of where the door is to her desk, he says, “sweetheart, could you please turn right and take a look at what’s over there..” and that was the end of the bullshit.”

Assuming the Hot Babe doesn’t either laugh in your face and/or throw you out the first time you pull this creepy shit with her, what we’ve got here is a template for ongoing emotional abuse.

Happily, one enterprising soul has turned the Door Pattern into an ExtraNormal video. I find that the robot voice in the video meshes well with the psychopathic creepiness of the content.

The Door Pattern is not to be confused with the Doors Pattern, in which you get drunk and babble on about Nietzsche and everyone around you tells you you’re a genius.

There’s a video for that one too:

Oh, and here’s a cat singing the theme song to Game of Thrones. For some reason this popped up on YouTube when I was looking for drunk Jim Morrison videos.