My Seed Is Gold: A Saruman-esque Dramatic Reading
Saruman contemplating his Holy Yogurt
The dude who reads ridiculous man rants on the Internet in a voice vaguely resembling that of legendary actor Christopher Lee as Saruman has brought us all a little gift this morning: A nearly ten-minute dramatic reading of “My Seed is Liquid Fucking Gold” by LaidInNYC.
Now all we need to do is to convince the dude who does those True Facts videos to do one.
Posted on September 6, 2013, in alpha males, awesome, misogyny, precious bodily fluids, PUA. Bookmark the permalink. 67 Comments.
Life sure is surreal
Reblogged this on iheariseeilearn.
OH my yarping gods this is awesome.
I spit my coffee on the screen omg
Pretty funny. I hope that asshole LaidInNYC hears it.
And I thought it was funny just reading it. This is amazing.
LOL this is simply a masterpiece. sarumangry deserves a medal.
It’s interesting to skip around and listen to different parts of the recording in snatches. There is no word or phrase in here that is not as completely ridiculous and hilarious as everything else in the screed.
Even in the days when I thought I was religious, I never believed in the “power of prayer” stuff; because, I thought, what are the odds that an Infinite Deity is going to saddle Itself with finite concerns? But here it is, proof that it works!! ‘Cuz my prayers have been answered. Yay!!
Every time I’m about to turn it off, a new amazing thing happens. His reading of “viability of your eggs” is Oscar-worthy.
If I weren’t concerned about these dudes having my IP address, I would drop a link in the comments section for LaidinNYC’s post.
Wow. This guy deserves a medal for being able to say absurd shit with a straight voice. Well done, sir. Well done.
I liked it when he said
Awww, poor baby is sad that women look different when they’re not fixed up. He probably saw some pictures of celebrities without makeup and now he’s grumpy.
@sarumangry,
Bravo! Thank you for sharing this. I laughed really hard.
Cloudiah — use ToR! Viladia is download and launch easy to use and free.
Oh god. I knew what this was going to be but then I actually heard it and I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t. Dying of lol. Help. Send help.
This is so wonderfully funny. Somehow, picturing Saruman delivering this speech puts it back into the whole “obviously a fantasy” category and take the sting out of the whole “Wait, the dude’s actually serious? Wow, now I’m sad for humanity” thing.
(As an off-topic aside, I am new here and I would like to say I am so, so thankful I found this blog. I’ve been reading through the old posts for the past 3 days an literally, well I guess the acronym would be LMFAO. Earlier this week, I was randomly Googling stuff and came across the whole PUA/redpill/MRA thing and the whole “sad for humanity” thing hit me pretty hard. Then I found Mr. Futurelle’s blog and the commentators here and faith in humanity was restored! Thank you, thank you, thank you. I shut up now.)
Hey, does anyone feel like doing Chapter 2 of The Red Pill? You can find it here and this time there’s no suicide references I noticed, just a goofy straw feminist and a lot of unusual punctuation.
Meet me over at the fora
This is hilarious.
However, if you’ve ever heard Gilbert Gottfriend reading excerpts from 50 Shades of Grey - then you know what I was hearing during the discussion yesterday.
http://gawker.com/5911512/gilbert-gottfrieds-greatest-voice-acting-role-to-date-narrating-fifty-shades-of-grey
OMG the “viability of your eggs” part just really made me think of the Ice King from Adventure Time
I can’t; this is just too good!
That brought tears of joy to my eyes.
Oh. So much more than I could have imagined. I have to play this for my husband (don’t think our sixteen year old son is quite ready for so much awesomeness).
Was sauruman standing in isengard to give us this reading?
@cloudiah: Don’t worry, I already did it. I’m just using my college’s IP address, so I don’t care about them finding me.
“Give me a dramatic reading worthy of Mordor.”
Im seriously considering making this recording a ring tone. Either that, or posting it oneverythread that mras show up on to derail. Especially the newspaper threads.
Okay, I need some help. I’m trying to pick a roughly ten second clip of the reading to make into a notifyer for new manboobz posts.
Any votes on the bets line to use? I can’t decide.
“Your magical unicorn pussy”
“My saucy essence and genetic code”
“The ceiling for my accomplishment is LIMITLESS!”
Hey, does anyone have a gift basket for Sparky??
I do! One Welcome Package!
And a pair of songs for restoring my faith in humanity, ymmv
I suggest…sweetly tell me “Thank you, sir”…
Thank you, Argenti!
Those are lovely songs for restoring faith in humanity. Here is another.
Welcome, Sparky!
*dies*
Oh, dreams do come true! This is even better than I imagined it to be! YAY!
Welcome, Sparky!
Side note to anyone about Welcome Packages: Anyone can offer them. Over on the right, there’s a section called More Man Boobzy Fun. Step 1: Read all of A Voice for Pierre. Step 2: Click on Artistry for Feminism and Kittens, and then at the top of the page look for the link for the Complimentary Welcome Package.
Any other lurkers? Say hi! We’re pretty nice to anyone who isn’t an asshat. XD
How about music with the actual Christopher Lee?
Yep, Christopher Lee does heavy metal. At 91 years old, he’s the oldest heavy metal artist in history.
Sir Christopher Lee, magnificent!
This reading is hilarity. Liquid hilarity.
As Saruman himself would say, LaidinNYC is “a lesser son of greater sires”.
“And even CHEFS!!!” That really got me. LOL.
WOWEEE!! I didn’t think that manifesto could get any funnier! Thanks for this!”
Okay, this was something I didn’t expect to be funny, funny… but at least worth a chuckle. But It’s even better. This is hilarious.
The dude goes on about how magnificent his pedigree is… but you know, not everyone can be a winner. Even the greatest racehorses produce duds every once a while.
I also find it amusing that he completely leaves out half of his genetic material - the half he got from his mother. Which just makes me wonder if he had one, or if instead he was born by budding from his old man’s testes or something.
It’s also funny how he talks about viability of ones eggs… when any released egg generally lives for like, what, a day? Sperm viability on the other hand can be affected by quite a few things. His boasting about being able to repopulate a village is nothing incredible though. I don’t know if he understands it or not, but in general most functioning testicles tend to produce enough to keep the entire race going - but then of course the level of inbreeding will eventually take it’s toll.
I also find at least two things rather disturbing, despite the hilarity.
1. His constant comparison of women to inanimate things. The objectification is very blatant. Also, it tells me rather much what he thinks of sex if his idea of a woman’s role in it is to spread their legs… Dunno about the rest of you guy but that sounds rather boring to me, if the other participant isn’t really, well, participating. Ever.
2. The blatant supremacist attitude. I don’t know if this guy realizes that it doesn’t account to jack-shit how good the genetic material is. Not even when both parents are cream of the crop. The offspring will not fulfill their potential if their conditions aren’t allowing it.
It’s also rather ridiculous to assume that it doesn’t matter if the copulation isn’t intended to result in pregnancy. People might be willing to boink a lot of people they would never have kids with.
So much wrong. So, so much hilarity.
I love it when they don’t intend the silliness, it tends to produce the best comedy.
The dude goes on about how magnificent his pedigree is… but you know, not everyone can be a winner. Even the greatest racehorses produce duds every once a while.
I like that his pedigree isn’t even magnificent. It’s just a bunch of regular jobs (plus jobs he made up for his ancient ancestors, like “warrior”). The only reason I can imagine he’d think “and even CHEFS!” is impressive is that he has done exactly jack and shit with his own life.
My eggs carry the lineage of steelworkers, boxers, corrupt cops, and countless drunk Irish people. BOW BEFORE ME SUBHUMANS.
He does include farmers, though. That was a very common occupation for most of the last five thousand years. I was going to write ‘popular’, but that’s not quite accurate.
I do firmly believe that even if his ancestors were amazingly awesome, he is the dud they eventually produced.
Besides, even if his glorious swimmers were as mighty as he claims, the fact has little relevance if they don’t get to fertilize anything. Survival of the fittest also does not mean “one who has the most awesome family history” or “one who has the most copious amounts of copulations” but simply who has the most kids that live long enough to reproduce themselves.
Ofc, he’s not talking about his own fitness, it seems - just tries to convince people that no matter how little he achieves, at least his sperm is awesome. To be fair, we have no proof that his semen is anything apart from ordinary. And I’m sure neither does he.
Quite frankly… I fail to be amazed by this. Even if it were true, there are plenty of non-assholes whose stuff is just as, if not more, valuable
Exhibit A: Hank Williams Jr.
Also hilarious: the inversion of the standard evo-psych trope in which eggs are rare and expensive and sperm is cheap, therefore women monogamous men promiscuous ugh ugh grunt. Apparently, when you only produce 100 billion new sperm every few days, you’re forced to be super choosy and parsimonious.
It’s the Franklin Mint technique: announce that your product is a “limited edition” collectible heirloom in an attempt to create an aura of scarcity, even when no one is fooled by the fact that millions are churned out each day.
If he wants to rattle on about amazing sperm, it’s his ancestors who have descendants who won the reproduction lottery - though if they look at him, they might think it wasn’t much of a prize. Nor does it take that much for a person to have lots of descendants anyway. Louis and his first wife Anne had two children, a low number even then (Anne had six pregnancies but four miscarried). But in those three and a half centuries, they’ve had some one hundred thousand descendants. It doesn’t prove a thing.
If I was somehow able to come back and check out what my descendents were up to in a few hundred years and they turned out to be people who spent their lives ranting on the internet about how to get laid and how awesome their spunk was? I would be so, so disappointed. And embarrassed.
Stop bringing shame upon your ancestors, dude.
GUYSGUYSGUYSGUYSGUYS!!!
Ahem.
I became a Discworld convert because of you guys (I’ve chewed through the first five or six of Pratchett’s novels) and I just discovered that Sir Christopher Lee was the voice of Death in the TV movie adaptation of “The Colour of Magic.”
[Simmers with glee]
If you go back far enough, most of us have multiple ancestors in common. So where does Laid get off claiming exclusive bragging rights to his set of chefs, astronauts, lumberjacks, and lion tamers?
If his ancestors built ALL THE CIVILIZATIONS, then so did all of ours. He doesn’t get to claim special snowflake status because of it.
He’s going to have to come up with a better cover story to rationalize his lack of success with teh ladeez. This one is just too ripe for satire.
So, that list? I had to inquire of Sir Pecunium. And, well, he’s never been a firefighter.
But this dude’s ancestors did it so obviously he’s cooler than Sir Pecunium (who really can do everything you can do, but better [except math ^.^ ])
Biot - Sir Christopher did Death’s voice?
::swoons::
Cassandra - this guy is like a reversal of the Grandfather Paradox (the one where you go back and kill your grandfather before your parent was conceived: who did the killing?). GoldSpooge would have his ancestor wanting to go back to their virgin days and take a vow of chastity.
or have a vasectomy. all of the fun none of the…gold.
It just struck me that this twit might be related to Stan of the People’s Front of Judea.
Reg: They’ve bled us white, the bastards. They’ve taken everything we had, not just from us, from our fathers and from our fathers’ fathers.
Stan: And from our fathers’ fathers’ fathers.
Reg: Yes.
Stan: And from our fathers’ fathers’ fathers’ fathers.
Reg: All right, Stan. Don’t labour the point. And what have they ever given us in return?
(Thank you all for the welcome and the Welcome Package. I had no idea the bath towels were so oppressive. I just bought them to dry off with after the shower. Perhaps I should replace them with a more man-friendly version for my husband? Like, I don’t know, animal hides or tree bark or something?)
I find the metaphors confusing. Is his semen liquid gold, holy yogurt, or crystal meth? Cause, if its crystal meth, than judging from the “Faces of Meth” project, it’s a toxic substance that everyone needs to stay far, far away from.
And, as Catfish points out, he gets half of those golden gametes from his mom. Does that make her, like, the goose that laid the golden eggs?
And is holy yogurt made from milk from holy cows?
And why did he have to drag poor, innocent pizza into this mess?
“Does that make her, like, the goose that laid the golden eggs?”
::dies::
See, you’ve been oppressing your poor husband with misandrist towels and never knew it! Which just shows how evil feminism has taken over the world.
He’ll need bark or animal hides at the very least. Probably just some gravel for him to scrape himself dry on, because Manly Man Menz Skin dries for nothing less. Even though Manly Menz are so delicate they can be oppressed by towels. And hard chairs. And candles.
Ugh. I like pizza, don’t ruin it by associating it with this guy’s spooge.
Also I have to point out that if he means mozzerella the texture is all wrong.
Isn’t cheesy discharge generally, um, antibiotic worthy?
And real men drip dry! Naked! While hunting mammoth!
They hunt down the mammoth and then roll around on the still-warm corpse to get dry!
I read that as in and thought “but entrails won’t get you dry…just gross”!
My family history consists of farmers, farmers, farmers and farmers.
I ended up a scientist.
kittehserf, the tree bark and gravel I can provide, I looked around, but unfortunately the only animal hides I can find are attached to the (still living) dogs. I don’t really want to sacrifice the poor animals to the needs of the almighty y chromosome, so he’s just going to have to content himself with drying off with live chihuahuas. Or, as Argenti Aertherii suggested, make him run around hunting a mammoth to get dry. Does that make me a ball-busting feminist bitch? Cool. I always wanted to be one of those.
CassandraSays, I am also peeved he had to mention pizza. And yogurt. I haven’t quite been able to bring myself to face my usual breakfast of yogurt and fruit after reading this. I hope the queesy feeling fades soon.
So manly menz are reduced to this, drying themselves on live chiahuahuas! Oh how feminism has destroyed
the Palaeolithiccivilisation!Argenti - I was thinking before they really start ripping the hide open!
Though a Manly Man wouldn’t be afraid of a few intestines.
Eh, only a Manly Man who’s never dealt with freshly dead intestines strewn about (thank you plec, I really wanted to clean up loach entrails upon getting home from the law firm from hell)
@Buttercup Q. Skullpants - Very true, though considering the lack of logic & coherence in his maunderings, it’s hard to tell whether he’s talking about some of the contributions of men in the past as a whole or his actual ancestors.
OMFG! This is hilarious. My eggs are in the mines of Moria and YOU CANNOT PASS!!!
Omfg you don’t realize how long this dude’s screed was until you listen to 9 minutes of it out loud.