Hideous short-haired monster Jean Seberg poses with adorable mouse.

Having previously taken on such dire threats to Western Civilization as “fat girls,” “manginas,” and “rape tourettes,” the pickup-artists-cum-worldly-philosophers over at Roosh Valizadeh’s Return of Kings blog have decided to take on an even more insidious danger: Women — sorry, girls — with short hair.

In an alarming expose, guest blogger Tuthmosis reveals the shocking tuth, er, truth:

No woman in all of human history has ever looked better with short hair than she would with a head full of healthy locks.

So why are so many women choosing to cut off the long hair that men so universally admire (allegedly)? Tuthmosis has a few theories. One is that other women are convincing them to do it so that they can have all the short-hair-hating men to themselves. Yep. It’s hair sabatoge!

Women are quick to encourage other women to cut their hair by telling them how “cute” it is. While I’m no scientist, I’m convinced this is some deep, genetic programming at work, one that forces women—who compete with one another on a physical level on a daily basis—to encourage any behavior that might eliminate competitors in the dating pool.

And straight men contribute to this sorry state of affairs, too. Well, “cowardly and deluded men” anyway, according to Tuthy — though why exactly being “cowardly and deluded” would cause men to encourage women to cut their hair is never quite explained.

Tuthy also blames gay men, who apparently have the power to sway the minds of women en masse.

The plaudits a Miley Cyrus, Rihanna, or Anne Hathaway receive when they cut their hair off—from people who have no business commenting on the attractiveness of women, like gay men—creates a copycat cycle that increases the trend geometrically.

So what exactly is the problem with short hair? Don’t get Tuthy started on that!

Seriously, don’t get him started, because what he says makes no fucking sense.

The truth of the matter is that long hair’s almost universally attractive to men, when they’re actually speaking honestly (without trying to appease women in the room). Furthermore, it’s a symbol of youth, femininity, and health. Why can’t old women grow long hair? Because it’s an ephemeral trait of your fertile years.

Really?

Women instinctively know this, which is why every American girl who cuts, and keeps, her hair short often does it for ulterior reasons. Short hair is a political statement.

A political statement of what? A political statement that she won’t put up with assholes like you?

And, invariably, a girl who has gone through with a short cut—and is pleased with the changes in her reception—is damaged in some significant way. Short hair is a near-guarantee that a girl will be more abrasive, more masculine, and more deranged.

Ah, ok. So it does mean that she won’t put up with assholes like you.

I’d developed that belief on years of platonic interactions alone. The bitchiest work colleagues, the most difficult cashier, the most confrontational, aggressive cunts in bars have all shared one trait—short-ass hair.

Yep, it definitely means that.

Tuthy then relates the horrors he faced during his own brief experiences dating women with short hair.

One had rape fantasies and used four-letter words! (These are your complaints? The guy who runs the blog you’re posting on is an actual admitted rapist, and you yourself just used the word “cunt.”)

Another used racial slurs and later got an unflattering “soccer mom” haircut! (Racial slurs? I mean, that’s a dealbreaker for me, but you’re writing for a blog that’s crawling with out-and-proud racists. Aren’t racial slurs right up your alley?)

Yet another jerked him off while texting! (You’re not going to at least give her credit for her manual dexterity?)

He concludes with this:

Not only is short-hair unattractive, it’s one of the biggest signals a man can get that a woman is damaged beyond repair.

In other words, short hair on women appears to repel a certain kind of asshole. Make use of that information as you wish.

EDITED TO ADD: Oh dear. Apparently Tuthy’s dumb post was so dumb and offensive it managed to “go viral”" and generate a ton of hate-traffic for Return of Kings. Roosh, naturally, has decided to try to fan the flames with a “publisher’s note” reiterating Tuthy’s, er, “argument” and helpfully revealing to his new readers what a shithead he is.

Here are some quotes, along with some photos to remind us just who it is who is lecturing women about their hairstyles.

Sadly, the women who are blasting us right now with vulgar speech and masculine manner are treading the line of self-mutilation with their pixie cuts. If you know a girl who has voluntarily chopped off such a reliable indicator of female beauty and fertility, nothing short of an intervention with all family and friends is necessary to force the victim to grow her hair back out.

 

I part now with a message of hope. Women: unless you have a smushed pig face, your attractiveness increases at least 6% for every inch your hair passes your shoulders. Don’t listen to people who are trying to sabotage your beauty by encouraging you to adopt a lesbian haircut.

 

 

We are the only ones who will be brutally honest with you. We are not shy to state where objective female beauty comes from, unlike the saboteurs in your life who are just trying to make it harder for you to find a good husband.

 

And for those of you especially sick women who think that you are going to punish us by cutting your hair, you’re only punishing yourself. Being lonely and having to settle for a brood of cats is not a good life for a woman, but that’s what will happen if you keep your hair short.