Category Archives: girl germs
Not All Misogynists Are Like That
Typical woman at home. (Artist’s rendition.) YOU CAN BUY THIS! Click on the pic for its Etsy listing.
After hearing a misogynist make some rancid generalization about women based on the terrible behavior of one particular woman, it’s hard not to respond by saying “not all women are like that.” Misogynists hear this so often, and evidently see it as so hilarious, that they’ve invented their own little acronym for the phrase: NAWALT. You’ll find this all the time on MRA sites, along with its sister acronym NAFALT, with “feminists” in the place of “women.”
Many MRAs seem to believe that simply repeating one or another of these acronyms is an effective, and highly witty, rebuttal to their critics. Because to them it is self-evident: All women, all feminists, ARE like that.
So imagine the pleasure I felt when I finally ran across an MRA-ish fellow challenging this conventional wisdom. On his blog la prensa, the regular Spearhead commenter known as Boxer makes this controversial claim:
It is a popular misconception which men hold on to which suggests all women are the same. This is not the case.
Unfortunately, my pleasure lasted only as long as it took to read these two sentences. Because then Boxer went on to explain just what he meant by this:
For example: Some women are whores, and others are even trashier than whores. Some women live in houses where the litter boxes overflow and the pungent aroma of catshit lingers lovingly in the air. Other women are allergic to cats, and their houses carry the stench of human feces, rotting food and the cheap perfumes they douse themselves in.
Apparently Boxer has never been invited into any woman’s house, and bases most of his opinions of the fair sex on reruns of Hoarders.
Men will center themselves upon these notable differences, and mistakenly assume that the diversity of individual women points to differences in the way individual women behave. Such high-minded fools usually learn the hard way, when the woman decides to “cash out” with the help of the state and its family law courts, who are always eager to liquidate a lifetime of male planning and work, dividing it between themselves and the cunt which the fool so stupidly married.
See yesterday’s post for more on women and their apparently insatiable hunger for D-I-V-O-R-C-E.
The foolish man, confronted by a mountain of inescapable evidence that every woman, from his mother and sister down to the bitch who empties the trashcan in his office, is a trashy slut, will immediately construct an intricate conspiracy theory between his ears. ‘Yes,’ the dumbass tells himself, ‘all the women I have ever known were and are trashy skanks, but that’s just because western society has brainwashed all the women in my own vicinity with its toxic headpoison.”
I am actually pretty sure my mom is not a slut. (Though I have heard that Las Vegas is full of them.)
This mangina will be aided along in his misconception by other manginas and white knights, often falling in with a disgruntled lot on various loser’s hangouts, in real life or on the internet. Often these men get “yellow fever”, and fly off to some third world shitheap to marry (again) in an effort to find that one precious snowflake who is not a third rate whore among the billions and billions of cunts on planet earth who prove their utter worthlessness on a daily basis.
Oh dear. I think Boxer is about to add a heaping helping of racism on top of his misogyny sundae.
It is true that Asian bitches tend to be slimmer and more intelligent than those in the white and black camps, but that just means they are more cunning, and better able to exploit the chumps who delude themselves into thinking that marrying and serving an oriental master is somehow “better” than being the slave of a homegrown American cunt.
Huh. Honestly, that wasn’t quite as bad as I was expecting. Though after nearly two years of intense study of the manosphere, I have some pretty high standards for offensiveness.
For all their variety, bitches’ behavior is uniformly lousy, and in that regard, all women are indeed like that. Yes, all of them, all around the world. This is not a war, it is something more analogous to an organized deer hunt, and you are the prey. For god’s fuck’n sake, quit marrying these slits already.
And so we circle back around to “all women ARE like that.”
Still, I have to say I agree with Boxer’s final sentence. Dudes, if you believe any of this crap, please do not marry women. Or, really, have any contact with them whatsoever. Frankly, I’d suggest that you find yourself a nice uninhabited island – like, say, this one – and move there posthaste. You’ll be much happier, and so will the rest of us.
All Women Are Whores, Part XIV: Cat on a Roomba Edition
Cats and Roombas unite in service to the forces of whoredom.
Men of America! You face a grave threat today: Evil feminist slutwalkers are working tirelessly to enslave men by conning them into marrying secret porn-star whores! Over on The Spearhead, an unnamed “Featured Guest” explains the whole dastardly scheme in a post with the intriguing title “Whore is just a label.”
With slutwalkers working hard to remove the stigma of sex for women, you see,
young women in porn face far less stigma than they ever have. So much so that for that young women the leap from wanton behavior at a drunken college party to getting double teamed followed by a full facial in a porn shoot may not be a far leap at all.
Exactly. Because if you’re going to be having sex anyway, why not do it on camera with strangers?
The dollars and cents is that you have a huge growth porn industry demanding a huge number of sex workers who blend invisibly into the population because there is no longer any stigma attached to the world’s oldest profession.
Wait, I thought that prostitution was the world’s oldest profession. I guess porn and prostitution are the same thing now?
Not that it matters, because if you’re a man the evil ladies will keep their sordid whoring from you:
Unlike men women know how to keep a secret. Women don’t brag to their girlfriends, in fact they’ll lie even to themselves. You really have NO IDEA where even that conservative and very virginal girl you’ve proposed to has been until the night she thought she forgot shows up on Youtube.com. Where does that leave an increasing number of American men?
So YouTube is a porn distribution hub now? Or is he suggesting that any woman who has sex is by definition a whore?
Evidently he is, as Mr. Featured Guest then goes on to warn of the dangers of those who are:
Trying to turn a whore into a housewife.
Yes, there are terrific women out there. But single women are angling for a man to pay for their lives, and given that incentive there’s a huge temptation for a woman to present herself falsely, to tell a lot of lies and to make a lot of “stay at home, cook and raise kids” promises she has no intention of keeping. Under US and ESPECIALLY Canadian divorce laws, women are almost never accountable for bad behavior or broken promises. For all the men who thought their betrothed was only slutty the night she met you and who are steaming mad that you’ve been sold a bill of goods, does the marriage contract needs a “false advertisement” clause?
Or do women who have sex with men other than their betrothed – possibly on video, possibly on YouTube — simply need to have the word “whore” tattooed on their foreheads?
The regulars at The Spearhead respond to this sophisticated analysis of contemporary marriage with their usual good sense.
Quentin, in a comment that got 50 upvotes, notes with some alarm that
A lot of women don’t feel bad abut their sexual escapades. In fact, they take pride in them. “Ladies” are an endangered species, and are on the verge of going extinct. All this slutty behavior has really made me lose interest in women. I don’t want to be with a woman who has had sex with a lot of men. If she is easy to get into the sack, then she is a liability in a relationship. I have lost a lot of respect for women over the past several years. Sex, along with marriage, is something most women view as a get-rich-quick scheme. It is disheartening to think I live in a world where being a whore is considered empowering, while being a supportive wife is frowned upon. This world is upside down. … If you act like a whore, then you are going to get treated like a whore. If women were pleasant to be around and were loyal, more men would probably stick around. You reap what you sow, women.
Napoleon (24 upvotes) urges his fellow men to be cautious when dealing with the wily female:
Women these days are increasingly trying to have the best of both worlds and present themselves as wholesome nice girls to the public while hiding a lot of whoring that goes on behind the scenes. There is really no way to know whether a woman is a part-time prostitute or not but a good rule of thumb is to assume that she is until proven otherwise due to the prevalence of such antics.
Silent warns men to be especially suspicious of any woman who seems to know what she’s doing in bed:
Just be careful about the super-sweet girlfriend who knows a little too much about how to do that thing you like, without you having taught her. She may have had a mouthful. But hey, maybe it’s all “in the past”.
YoungMan shares his tale of woe:
Back in my plugged in days I dated a girl for over a year before I found out she used to play with herself on camera for money. I was incensed I had been taken advantage of like that.
Keyster, a bastion of morality who once boasted about dating a 14-year-old (when he was 25), warns men to stay away with women who don’t keep silent about their sexual pasts:
Any woman who feels compelled to reveal her debaucherous past has no intention of having a serious relationship with you.
It’s not a shit test.
It’s meant to show a certian amount of disdain and disrespect for you as a man who doesn’t quite measure up to her standards. Don’t ever forget that.
Yes, because if a woman has had sex with anyone other than you, it’s all about disrespecting you.
And then he adds:
If she says she can’t even remember how many guys she’s f*cked in a rather “matter-of-fact” tone, you’ve entered the Futrelle Zone. Go home and video tape your cat on a Roomba and post it on YouTube. It would be time better spent.
I guess I should be flattered? But alas it was not my cat on the Roomba. I wish I had a Roomba. (Also, I wish I had my cat back, but that’s a whole other and much sadder story.)
Alan Vaughn writes an impassioned defense of pedophiles – sorry, “pedophiles,” in scare quotes – that I’m frankly too tired to bother to cut and paste in here. Check it out yourself if you dare.
Eric has a sad about the poor quality of American women:
Women are presumed to ‘have all the power in relationships’. Really, it’s her choices alone that matter. Women choose to be with thugs and idiots when there are numerous better and more responsible options open to them. The fact that women overwhelmingly terminate relationships with good men and pursue worthless ones is proof in itself that the responsibility lies with them and not with us.
Men, on the other hand, are very limited in their field of choices (unless they expat out). The abysmal quality of American women; women’s complete lack of interest in responsible men; and the ever-impending consequences of acting contrary to misandryist legal and social norms considerably constrict men’s options. Most men, if they were honest about it, would admit that their choices are pretty much limited to the least objectionable—not the most desirable—of available women.
Life is apparently very tough for American men who hate the very idea of women ever having sex with anyone but them. And doubly tough for those who don’t see the inherent hilariousness of cats on Roombas.
Quote of the day: “We’re approaching peak vagina on television, the point of labia saturation.”
Ladies, please! We don't need to see THAT.
Quiz! Who said the following, in reference to the presence of women on television?
Enough, ladies. I get it. You have periods. … [W]e’re approaching peak vagina on television, the point of labia saturation.
Was it?
- W.F. Price of The Spearhead
- Christopher in Oregon, legendary vagina-hating Man Going His Own Way
- Reddit commenter VjayjaysAreIcky69
Trick question! It was actually Two and a Half Men co-creator Lee Aronsohn, complaining to The Hollywood Reporter about the female-centric sticoms that have popped up of late. (There’s plenty to complain about when it comes to shows like Whitney and 2 Broke Girls, but “the main characters have vaginas” ain’t it.)
In a keynote address at the Toronto Screenwriting Conference, Aronsohn also defended his show’s tendency to portray women in a less-than-flattering light:
Screw it. … We’re centering the show on two very damaged men. What makes men damaged? Sorry, it’s women. I never got my heart broken by a man.
So brave, Aronsohn, so brave, standing up to the Matriarchy like that!
On ThinkProgress, Alyssa Rosenberg lays into Aronsohn:
[H]aving to hear that ladies have menstrual cycles, take birth control pills, and enjoy sex is just unbearable, right? Because even though the number of female characters on television tends to hover in the low 40 percent range, we’re just saturated with vaginas, because god forbid stories about men and their ish don’t absolutely dominate the media? Because even though those shows Aronsohn’s complaining about have actually created more writing and directing jobs for men than women, and resulted in some really awful portrayals as a result, we couldn’t possibly let women come to expect that they’ll have access to stories both about them and by them, could we? Because where would that leave poor, suffering, disadvantaged American men?
And then she takes on the entertainment industry in general, for tolerating his troglodyte views:
[T]hat Aronsohn is dumb and woman-fearing enough not just to believe this, to blithely admit he believes it to a major publication tells you everything about how cosseted Hollywood’s disgusting sexists are. You want to know why we get what we get on movie and television screens? … Because there are, apparently, no consequences in Hollywood for being perfectly open about how much you despise women’s bodies and the contours of women’s lives.
Maude Lebowski, what do you have to say about all this?
Let’s shame some virgins!
NOTE: THAT HEADLINE IS A JOKE. IT’S APRIL FOOL’S DAY.
In today’s edition of “Make Shit Up About Man Boobz,” we have this highly upvoted comment from the Men’s Rights subreddit attacking me (us?) for all the evil virgin shaming we supposedly do around here.
The total ridiculousness of this comment is fairly obvious. But I would like to take a moment to clarify a few things.
Being a virgin, or celibate? Not inherently funny.
Being a virgin, or someone who has had literally one sexual encounter with a woman ever, and writing post after post about how evil and icky vaginas are in an attempt to get other men to swear off women forever – that’s pretty funny. That would be a bit like me writing a travel guide to Denmark, or Albania, or any other place I’ve never been to.
Having trouble getting a date? Not inherently funny.
Having trouble getting a date because you’re a loathsome tool who hates women? Funny.
Using a sex toy? Not inherently funny.
Dudes pontificating about how sex toys and sex robots will soon make icky real women obsolete? That shit is fucking hilarious.
Also, sex toys themselves? Yes, they can be funny. I mean, the legendary Fleshlight is a disembodied vagina/mouth/asshole-replacement in the form of a giant clunky flashlight-shaped thing. That’s sort of funny. Attaching this giant clunky thing to an iPad so you can pretend that the iPad (or at least an image on it) is giving you a blowjob? That’s comedy gold!
Here are some other sex toys that are hilarious and/or seriously disturbing, courtesy of Scary Sextoy Friday, perhaps the world’s greatest blog. (All links are NSFW.)
Vibrators shaped like Santa Claus.
A dildo designed to look like poop.
Sorry. I got carried away with the links. That blog is like crack.
Reddit MRA: My eminent businessman friend who is totally not made-up refuses to be alone in a room with a woman
This seems like a completely reasonable course of action:
Oh, by the way, I know a guy who’s a CEO of a Fortune 500 company, and he can fly and turn invisible.
Not at the same time, though. When he forgets and turns invisible while flying, he plummets to earth.
“It must be cotton pony rodeo time,” and other incredibly brilliant insults that will totally make the ladies cry.
This one is also hilarious.
In the war of ideas, it is important to be well-armed. And that’s why one brave antifeminist warrior named Roy Scott Movrich has supplied his fellow warriors with some potent verbal ammunition, a full clip of misogynist insults designed to reduce all women in the immediate area to blubbering tears.
As Roy explains:
Feminists have gotten away with shaming language for too long. Far too long.
Its time we got our own back.
And since women in general have not stood up to defend men, it stands that all women are tarred with the same brush. Therefore ALL women are to be denigrated equally.
Fair’s fair.
Here are a choice sampling of insults to deride women with.
Try them and see. I did. And watch their ordure (translation: s**t) hit the roof!
A few of Roy’s insults are borrowed from literature (mostly from Shakespeare), but most of them are originals. In a manner of speaking.
He starts out with a puzzler:
Your’s is even smaller than mine.
Presumably he is suggesting that cis women/feminists have some sort of symbolic penis, and that this symbolic penis of theirs is smaller than his non-symbolic penis
He continues on with several other comments in this vein:
It’ll be way bigger than anything you’ll ever have.
The one you try to have is even smaller than mine.
And of course this classic:
Mine isn’t too small, your cooch is too wide/large/loose.
Then we get some vibrator-shaming:
Oooh! Bad mood! Did you run out of batteries?
And some wildly unoriginal negs:
You sound really old.
You don’t look your age. [Pause] You look [longer pause] old.
You look good enough to be my great-great grandmother.
This one might not be terribly successful with total strangers:
You were/are a lousy lover.
And then it’s back to the vagina:
You must be having constant periods.
It must be cotton pony rodeo time huh?
Note to self: Find out if anyone in the history of the world has ever referred to a woman’s period as “cotton pony rodeo time.”
Then on to cats, spinster-shaming, and general unpleasantness:
Did one of your cats just die?
You must not be married yet.
Can’t have kids huh?
There’s nothing a woman can do for me that my right hand can’t do better.
Even dung beetles are higher than women and feminists.
And back to the vagina again:
You obviously have one of those super large and deep ginas a man has to strap a plank to his back to prevent him falling into.
Note to self: Find out if there is anyone who refers to vaginas as “ginas” who is not a misogynist asscrack.
If you need more, Roy suggests that you can basically go with
[a]nything that implies her plumbing isn’t clean, has diseases or a foul smell.
After delivering this list (and some Shakespeare quotes), Roy somewhat confusingly concludes that insulting women is actually a waste of time:
[A]t the end of the day, given that women are devoid of logic and wit, using such choice insults is wanton waste.
Better to ignore them completely.
And since modern women, with their over-inflated sense of entitlement cannot abide being ignored, this is just as dramatic and effective as any insult.
In other words, the chance that Roy has ever used any of these insults in a conversation with a woman is roughly zero.
Devastating new “fly” slogan gives MRAs the edge in the war of ideas
Well, my fellow feminists, we might as well pack it in. For the forces arrayed against us have a devastating, nay brutal, new slogan.
The Counter-Feminist Agent of Change (CFAC) who calls himself Fidelbogen explained in a recent post how this “wicked new slogan” came to him. Also, what the slogan is:
This occurred to me in a flash of inspiration today. I grabbed the first scrap of paper I could find and jotted it down:
Feminism spreads lies like a fly spreads germs.
You like it? I thought you would.
So . . . spread it around, and make it part of the “buzz”!
Get it? Buzz. Like, “buzz” means “what people are excitedly talking about.” But it is also the sound that a fly makes.
See, Fidelbogen is working with TWO DIFFERENT MEANINGS at once. It’s like juggling two things at once, only with your brain. No wonder some MRAs regard his as the finest mind in the Men’s Rights movement today.
Several days after The Bogen (that’s what I like to call him) came up with this masterful slogan, one artistically minded MRA took it to a whole nother level – by using the slogan in the graphic above.
As The Bogen explained in his second post about his new slogan:
Memes can take many forms, and what you see here is among the most elemental and effective of those forms.
I am posting this graphic image for anybody on the planet who wants to fly away with it and spread it around.
First with the “buzz” thing, and now “fly away with it.” LIKE FLIES DO! The man is a genius.
Hell man, you could even print it on T-shirts and coffee mugs. Certainly you can post it on your website. Best of all, you can print it on little squares of paper and leave these in all manner of places where all manner of people will happen upon them.
Oh shit. T-shirts? Mugs? Motherfucking SQUARES OF PAPER?! He’s going CROSS-PLATFORM!
This is the sort of thing that will land in people’s brains, and buzz around there, and never leave!
I explained the buzz thing already, didn’t I?
It will find its way into the general buzz of conversation, too!
Just in case you’ve forgotten. Buzz = what people are talking about. ALSO THE SOUND FLIES MAKE.
I still cannot get over how much of a genius move that whole “buzz” thing is. I don’t know how he does it.
I kindly thank St. Estephe, the blog keeper who created this. I am honored to see my words so skillfully combined with pictures, and made ten times more effective by that method.
It’s true. It takes a tremendous amount of skill to find a picture of a fly, and then to put words next to it.
How can we possibly compete with this?
I tried to come up with some slogans of my own. But the best I could do was this:
I hope you guys have some better ideas.
Try QuickMeme if you want to make a little graphic. I’ll post any especially good ones here!
EDITED TO ADD: Some more graphics that are Fidelbogenesque in their brilliance. One from Scar, one from me.
MRA: Men can sometimes tell when women are on their periods. Therefore, feminism is exposed as a dirty lie!
From Susan Draws. (Click on the pic to go there.)
Watch out, ladies! And feminism! Because guys are totally onto you and your dirty periods. According to a study cited on the blog What Men Think of Women, men can tell when women are on their periods – just by listening to them talk! Well, some of the time, anyway. From a writeup of the research in the Times of India:
Men can actually tell from a woman’s voice when she is having her period, a new study has claimed.
For the study, conducted by Nathan Pipitone at Adams State College and Gordon Gallup from SUNY-Albany, the researchers asked three groups of men to listen to voice recordings of ten women who counted from one to five at four different points over their menstrual cycle.
According to Popular Science, all four recordings were played in a random order and then the first group of men were asked to guess which were made while the women were on their period. The tests revealed that the men were correct 35 per cent of the time, which was described as a ‘significant’ result.
That’s right, ladies! Men can tell whether or not you’re are on the rag – a third of the time!
I myself have developed a technique that can bring this success rate to well over 50 percent – just by listening to women talk!
All you have to do is to pay attention to subtle audio clues, like her saying:
“I just started my period.”
“My period came early this month.”
“Crap. I’ve got awful craps – because of my period.”
“Aunt Flo is paying her monthly visit.” (Note: this works only if she does not actually have an Aunt Flo.)
“It’s shark week! “ (Note: This works only if it is not actually Shark Week on the Discovery Channel.)
“It’s that time of month again. The time when I use tampons, in my vagina.”
“I have reached that point in my menstrual cycle during which blood leaks from my hoo-ha.”
So what does all this mean? According to Christian J at What Men Are Saying About Women, it means the jig is up, feminists! In a post titled How Men can Decode “Women’s” Menstrual Cycle.. , he writes:
This information is what feminist have been trying to hide, delete and deny for many a decade. They are of the opinion that the menstrual cycle is irrelevant and superfluous to their cause and one can understand why when one looks at the studies on how women are affected by it.
In the worst case scenarios, their behaviour are effected to such a degree as to make them totally dysfunctional and even bedridden for the period(intended) of the cycle. The other side of the argument is ofcourse that it is swept under the carpet and not discussed or taken seriously..
Just some added benefits from feminism, as they live in ignorant, self induced silence..
You might as well pack it in, ladies and manginas – because men know!
A third of the time.
NOTE: I have no idea why Christian J. put the word “women” in quotes in the title of his blog post. Like his now-legendary two-dot ellipses, this is a mystery that may forever remain unsolved. Or you could ask him, I guess.
EDITED TO ADD: This post has now inspired a completely disingenuous “Yahoo Answers” query from an antifeminist concern troll who seems to be pretending that this post was not DRIPPING IN SARCASM. Add your answers, if you want!
Warts and Peace: A trip into the fevered imagination of Christopher in Oregon
I am NOT illustrating this post with a picture of genital warts.
Not that long ago, the Man Going His Own Way who calls himself Marky Mark made an unnerving announcement: due to worries about his secret identity being uncovered, he was shutting down his blog!
Like a lot of Marky’s readers, I was alarmed and saddened by this news: Marky Mark, after all, was one of the most delightfully loopy MGTOW bloggers out there, as well as a regular publisher of the writings of the mysterious anti-sex crusader Christopher in Oregon.
Happily, Marky changed his mind almost instantly. He’s back, and posting like a motherfucker. And today, he graced us with one of his best posts ever: Genital Warts, by Christopher in Oregon.
Regular readers of Man Boobz know they’re in for a treat. For newcomers to the writings of Christopher in Oregon, gird your loins, and your stomach, for a truly amazing outburst of disgusting misinformation! (For actual, legitimate information on genital warts, try here or here.)
Chris opens with a bang:
The effects of an aging or weakened immune system can be profound when it comes to genital warts. They can mass in huge cauliflower like piles, and grow to gigantic proportions. Once the immune system is on the decline, all bets are off. From what I’ve heard and read, the smell from genital warts can be horrific. Poop and other filth gets trapped beneath the blossoming tops, and is impossible to clean.
Combine that with Herpes sores, and you’ve got yourself quite a mess. I can only imagine trying to treat the pain of Herpes sores that are located on massive genital warts, all the while my penis is oozing green puss.
And now I’ve got that image in my brain.
So what can one do about these horrific dangers?
If you would be clean, if you would be healthy, if you would be wise, then renounce all sexuality!
Well, that’s one solution, I guess. It seems a tad drastic. It’s true that most sexually active people will get infected with Genital HPV (Human Papillomavirus) at some point, but in most cases this infection will go away within two years, and only 5% or so will develop warts. Which won’t look anything like Chris’ nightmare scenarios above. (Holly Pervocracy has a great little post on genital warts scaremongering here.)
But Chris goes further:
I admit I was deceived in recent years, and thought I could engage in the use of pornography.
WRONG!
ALL sex leads to physical decay.
Is Chris really saying that people who masturbate to porn can give genital warts … to themselves?
Do you really want to lie in bed some day as an old men with twenty pounds of quivering warts dangling from your groin like some beast from “The Blob”? Maybe it will grow eyes and stare back at you…..?
Now Chris seems to be writing a screenplay for a David Cronenberg movie in his head.
It isn’t good enough to stay single. It isn’t good enough to not date. If a man would be strong, if a man would be wise, he must clear his mind of lust. Stop viewing porn. Stop watching ANY modern films or television shows.
STOP LISTENING TO ANY MODERN MUSIC, which seeks to enslave you with filthy lyrics and that filthy “beat”!
I listen to four to eight hours of classical music a day, sometimes more. It purifies the mind and soul.
Here is the most effective way to use classical music as a boner killer.
So, aside from a bit of the old Ludwig Van, how else can you strengthen your anti-sex resolve? Buy a bunch of medical textbooks and look at the pictures.
I remember the first time I heard about genital warts. I had gone to the Oregon State University Medical School bookstore, and bought some hideously expensive books on STDs. I was young. I was horny. But, I was still religious. I wanted to get laid. But, something was holding me back.
Regular readers of Christopher in Oregon may already have some theories as to what this might be, but let’s continue:
My parents warned me about women. They warned me about diseases, yet what did my parents know about HPV or Herpes? Nothing. Nor did I. I just knew that sex carried the risk of the STDs that were present back when my parents were young. Little did I suspect that the landscape had changed dramatically. New bugs abounded, like HIV, HPV, HSV and HCV.
So, I cracked open the books. I purchased more books. …
Then I saw them.
Warts. Big, juicy, oozing warts.
Crap. I remember the first time I looked at a picture of a homosexual man whose crotch was covered by a mass -a literal MASS- of genital warts. It looked like a Broccoli patch. Flowering all over the place. I was both mesmerized and horrified. I’d never seen anything like it in my life. My eyes were frozen to the page. The warts were just everywhere!
He was either reading medical textbooks or playing Halo:
Back to Chris:
I came to one conclusion right away: I would never engage in sexual intercourse again as long as I lived. (I had only tried it once when I was 21 with a Mormon woman)
Somehow I suspect that didn’t work out too well for her either.
Something in me triggered a defensive mechanism of sorts. (Sort of like what happens when you are out in the forest and you see 1200 pounds of angry grizzly bear barreling towards your sorry ass. You climb a tree and hope for the best)
That’s right. Mormon women are like BEARS!!
I knew I didn’t have all of the answers, but in spite of my lust and constant erections, I knew I didn’t want THAT sort of thing obscuring the view I had of my tallywacker.
Let’s just skip the bits in which Chris waxes poetic about cancer, penectomy, tongues falling off, and people “trying to yank off bloody chunks of warts” from their crotches.
The grand conclusion:
Now, I don’t know about you, but I like my body. Granted, it’s not as young as it once was. I can’t get erections as easily as I used to, and sometimes not at all. But it’s THERE. Dangling at half mast, but it’s still MINE. All mine. It’s not lying in a garbage can in the operating room waiting to be thrown out with the other medical waste.
So, think long and hard boys. Whether you are Christian, Jewish, Deist or whatever. I have come to the inescapable conclusion that there IS a God, and He does NOT wanting people perverting His system of procreation. I do believe He has a temper, as well as a slightly warped sense of humor.
The cost of sex is simply too high these days. Keep it in your pants.
That’s right, fellas: God wants you to hate and fear women and their icky bodies. He invented sex, but doesn’t want you to engage in it. He invented the penis just so he could decorate it with warts.
Is God a Diety Going His Own Way?
Clear your brain with this peppy little tune from days gone by:
